Feeling like
I’ve been pulled together
Randomly
The father and mother are clear
But he was never here
Now I think back unraveling
Each layer of me that I see
Seeing every man
That somehow made
An impression on me

Learned love at a very early age
Remembering those hugs
You loved me like I
Never made a single mistake
For whatever reason
You only came around on holidays
Only found out your hidden identity
When AIDS took you away

Learned how to manifest anger
It was routinely on display
Cannot remember my age
But I knew it was in second grade
It reminds me
Of one of those superhero characters
You won’t like me when I’m angry
Because in hindsight
I cannot fathom what
A classroom of 2nd graders
Could ever do
To make you break a chalkboard
But I learned to hold shit in
And when my seeds messed up
I let it explode again and again

Learned how to ride or die
Nothing special
It was just the look in your eyes
Revenge is a bitter pill
Sometimes you get so deep in it
There’s no way out of it
That’s why you need
To have heat with you
Because badge or not
No one wants to get shot
Always stay ready
With a plan to enter
A plan to escape
But if you get stuck
Shut the fuck up
Let the lawyer plead your case

Learned how to just cut ties
Give it your all
Until you bust
Then walk away
With no hesitancy
Nothing means everything
Even though I was your seed
The gravity of you leaving
Helped me leave everything

Learned a lot of things randomly
Watching life’s sermons
While people speaking eloquently
Seeing every addiction
Removed every narcotic curiosity
Regardless of the need to escape
When that high wore off
There is nowhere left to escape
And the reality of who you are
That is all that’s left
Accepting who you really are
Until your final last breath

Learned by watching more than hearing
Seeing you fix things
Instead of using yellow pages
Seeing the logic
Was no internet on site
Laying tiles without a single mistake
Hanging Sheetrock with one hand
Hammer it in with the other hand
Realizing desire more important
Than impossibility
When you want something done
Waiting on someone ain’t always
In your reach

Pieces together
Feeling like those old scarecrows
Resembling something real
But in reality
Just the manifestation
Of different realities
And none of them fit together
Always challenged for them to
Work together
Even if all those influencers
Were in the same room
They wouldn’t like each other
Yet I’m perpetuating their ideals
Stuck not knowing how to feel
Unwilling to let them go
Selfishly it’s all I know