Feeling like

I’ve been pulled together

Randomly

The father and mother are clear

But he was never here

Now I think back unraveling

Each layer of me that I see

Seeing every man

That somehow made

An impression on me

Learned love at a very early age

Remembering those hugs

You loved me like I

Never made a single mistake

For whatever reason

You only came around on holidays

Only found out your hidden identity

When AIDS took you away

Learned how to manifest anger

It was routinely on display

Cannot remember my age

But I knew it was in second grade

It reminds me

Of one of those superhero characters

You won’t like me when I’m angry

Because in hindsight

I cannot fathom what

A classroom of 2nd graders

Could ever do

To make you break a chalkboard

But I learned to hold shit in

And when my seeds messed up

I let it explode again and again

Learned how to ride or die

Nothing special

It was just the look in your eyes

Revenge is a bitter pill

Sometimes you get so deep in it

There’s no way out of it

That’s why you need

To have heat with you

Because badge or not

No one wants to get shot

Always stay ready

With a plan to enter

A plan to escape

But if you get stuck

Shut the fuck up

Let the lawyer plead your case

Learned how to just cut ties

Give it your all

Until you bust

Then walk away

With no hesitancy

Nothing means everything

Even though I was your seed

The gravity of you leaving

Helped me leave everything

Learned a lot of things randomly

Watching life’s sermons

While people speaking eloquently

Seeing every addiction

Removed every narcotic curiosity

Regardless of the need to escape

When that high wore off

There is nowhere left to escape

And the reality of who you are

That is all that’s left

Accepting who you really are

Until your final last breath

Learned by watching more than hearing

Seeing you fix things

Instead of using yellow pages

Seeing the logic

Was no internet on site

Laying tiles without a single mistake

Hanging Sheetrock with one hand

Hammer it in with the other hand

Realizing desire more important

Than impossibility

When you want something done

Waiting on someone ain’t always

In your reach

Pieced together

Feeling like those old scarecrows

Resembling something real

But in reality

Just the manifestation

Of different realities

And none of them fit together

Always challenged for them to

Work together

Even if all those influencers

Were in the same room

They wouldn’t like each other

Yet I’m perpetuating their ideals

Stuck not knowing how to feel

Unwilling to let them go

Selfishly it’s all I know