Childhood Ways

Cannot explain this hole in me

I open up the old albums for 1983

The smile looked real and sincere

But I do not ever remember

that feeling being there

It was just me and her for the longest

You stepped on the scene

Knew straight away

You were the strongest

I thought life was real

When ya’ll got married

And I got your last name

First party I remembered

At the Cornucopia

Everyone so thrilled

Dancing endlessly

Staying with family

As ya’ll drove away

Remember running up the steps

Saw you laying on the floor

I was scared to death

Crazy part is, I was up to no good

Use to still your coins

Just rebelling because I could

Thought you were gone

Ambulance arrived

You kept saying you were fine

Everything suddenly collapsed in me

Read this letter

About how much you loved me

And how what is happening

Wasn’t about me

Just something that couldn’t be resolved

Those words they stung me

Wasn’t even a year since the ceremony

Really thought you adopted me

Couldn’t accept that you never left

Even got a house in walking distance

Still bear your last name

But it’s not the same

Trying to explain to the seeds

My father is not their grandfather

You are not my father

Their grandfather is not my father

And they looking at me like I’m insane

Promised God at that point

Before I was even two digits around the sun

I would never give that feeling to my son

It created this burden in me

Breaking through stereotypical curses

So many unresolved emotions

So embedded In my psyche

Just to release it

creates thousands verses

And I cannot to this day

Say I am healed from any of it

More like build up resilience

To all kinds of bullshit

Temper stays short and lit

Portray a light hearted laugh

Keep people real relax

But the gritted vengeance

Already considered how to end this