Bastard Life

Recognized it quickly
Early on in childhood
Ninety houses on one street
I was one of the few
Where it was just
My mom and me
It was clearly recognized
Just a different energy

Things that
Were significant for us
The relationship was based on trust
The mom had to provide
Meaning I saw her sporadically
When she was home
She was tired
From all the sacrifices for me
She would absolutely be there
For all those trivial things

From 5401 to 5491
Families upon families
We enjoyed our youth profusely
Individually everyone had their issues
But when we were together
We had no issues
But everything was different for me
Because in our crew
I was the one that had the curfew
The individual with the single parent home
Most of the day no one was home
No one to even get peace from

Dude was never there
It was just the challenge
I’m the only one that says “dad”
But when I say it
It has no meaning
No one responds
The air swallows it up
No one gives a fuck
That’s when the promise started
I never wanted to be that dude

Eventually I started labeling others
Calling them dad because I had none
Camp counselors, teachers
Any man I gave a crown to
Always had men in my family
But they weren’t always around
And every man with the same belief
He’ll be okay eventually
He’s mom can do more than me

Signs were evident
something was wrong in me
But not those normal
Red flags you see
I wasn’t in jail
Went to every class
Did exceptionally well
Teachers viewed me well
Mom provided everything
Supporting both of us
But now that festering of pain
Always feels like it will erupt
So accustomed to this feeling
Dare not disturb the feeling
Just keep ignoring the signs
Let them pass with time