Tag: Fatherless
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Thankfully
Thankfully
I can just write and write
And let every emotion out
That is what peace is about
Emotion creating expectations
Expectations leads to disappointment
Thankfully
I can go from frowns to smiles
Years ago
That same thing
It would take hundreds of miles
Now peace comes with a smile
Thankfully
There is no serenity unity
Unless there is peace individually
Releasing the pleasure
Looking toward the future
Attention to the culture
Thankfully
The power of the pen
It helps me lean
All the way in
Getting everything
All the way out
Thankfully
Even with defeat
I see the deceit
Now that I see it
There is nothing left to it
But to release it
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Eventuality
Seeing you lying there
Unwilling to accept reality
Life wasn’t intended to be fair
Endless cycle of the Earth’s core
Shuffling us endlessly
We all have one common
Eventuality
Hearing youth refer casually
Lack of Mr. , lack of Sir
First name commonality
Exiting life so freely
Narcotics and alcohol
Compounded routinely
Eventuality
The latest story
Heard it so clearly
Confronted on the block
Using loaned narcotics
Avoiding the crack commandments
Outcome predetermined
Eventuality
Owing large revenue
Nothing in hand
Nothing else to do
Archaic methods applied
Upon the torso and head
Ignoring whats next
Eventuality
Sobering moment
Knowing consent was given
No more life within
Holding to every promise lost
Grasping laugh of the past
Accepting reality
Eventuality
Recalling instances
When laughter filled me
Fueled off of your very energy
Cannot fathom what led you astray
Thought the love was sincere
If it was, you would still be here
Eventuality
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Moment
Existing in this moment
Lost for a moment
Forget every moment
That I loved for a moment
Slowly crying out this fear
So tired of this fear
Avoiding life in fear
Losing everything through fear
Understanding every time
That I wasted so much time
Remember counting each time
That I lost every time
Slowly see things differently
Shall I contemplate differently
Life hitting me differently
Resurrecting new beginnings differently
Existing in Earth’s moment
Breathing but a moment
Feeling every moment
Loved that moment
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Waiting
Waiting on the steps
From the dawn of light
Anticipating the excitement
From last night
Plans was made
Times agreed
Made sure I was washed up
Eat up
Ready for anything
Dawn turned to day
Way before pagers and cell phones
Ringing the house
No one was home
Patiently waiting
Mom tryna convince me
It’s better to wait inside
So afraid to miss my ride
Just counted the cars go by
Day turned to evening
Friends coming back
Full day of sweating and playing
Asking if I’ll go for round 2
Nah, I said I was waiting for you
Continued to wait
Excitement in me
Every-time I saw
Car lights slow down momentarily
Evening gave way to night
Crickets starting
Lighting bugs now visible
Steps my anchor
Misery my crucible
Mom says you just called
That you apologize
You’ll make it up
First time I no longer gave a fuck
Night turned into a new day
Kept tryna to think
What did I do
Why didn’t you come get me
I was good all week
Got all my work done
You promised to be there
I didn’t know lying was acceptable
Maybe I was just gullible
New day turned into New Years
Same little promise
But now I know
As plain as I can see
Your words and actions
don’t mean the same thing
We was never the same
Always saw you differently
Never again wanted that pain
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Desperate attention
Yearning solitude
Pursuing anyone
Irrelevant person
Desperate attention
Selfish attitude
Invaded peace
Limited proximity
Desperate attention
Affiliated quiet
Grappling affection
Irresponsibly loving
Desperate attention
Sheltered anxiety
Intimate desires
Instantly gratified
Desperate attention
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Peace God
Peace God
I’m not trying to interrupt
Just sharing some insight
Hopefully we can reconcile
Grant me just a while
If we both get this right
They’ll be less for us to disrupt
Reconciliation of God
Peace God
We are not the true enemy
This was all contrived intentionally
If you could spare me a minute
I can share why we are even in it
As long as we battle relentlessly
We can never be free
Understanding of God
Peace God
Slurs and innuendos aren’t the way
We were created purposely
Without any fear or disarray
But we’ve lost our way
It was really done subtly
We couldn’t keep the intruders at bay
Salvation of God
Peace God
They don’t deserve what you are saying
Surely they don’t warrant your reactions
I absolutely understand your perspective
But mirroring what we see is counterproductive
What we need is better actions
Laying proof without a shred of blaming
Mercy of God
Peace God
Let me approach you head on
I don’t need you imaging something is wrong
I embrace you because I love you
Not Every person is out to get you
We both tired of the same song
This is the beginning of a new dawn
Vengeance of God
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Childhood Ways
Cannot explain this hole in me
I open up the old albums for 1983
The smile looked real and sincere
But I do not ever remember
that feeling being there
It was just me and her for the longest
You stepped on the scene
Knew straight away
You were the strongest
I thought life was real
When ya’ll got married
And I got your last name
First party I remembered
At the Cornucopia
Everyone so thrilled
Dancing endlessly
Staying with family
As ya’ll drove away
Remember running up the steps
Saw you laying on the floor
I was scared to death
Crazy part is, I was up to no good
Use to still your coins
Just rebelling because I could
Thought you were gone
Ambulance arrived
You kept saying you were fine
Everything suddenly collapsed in me
Read this letter
About how much you loved me
And how what is happening
Wasn’t about me
Just something that couldn’t be resolved
Those words they stung me
Wasn’t even a year since the ceremony
Really thought you adopted me
Couldn’t accept that you never left
Even got a house in walking distance
Still bear your last name
But it’s not the same
Trying to explain to the seeds
My father is not their grandfather
You are not my father
Their grandfather is not my father
And they looking at me like I’m insane
Promised God at that point
Before I was even two digits around the sun
I would never give that feeling to my son
It created this burden in me
Breaking through stereotypical curses
So many unresolved emotions
So embedded In my psyche
Just to release it
creates thousands verses
And I cannot to this day
Say I am healed from any of it
More like build up resilience
To all kinds of bullshit
Temper stays short and lit
Portray a light hearted laugh
Keep people real relax
But the gritted vengeance
Already considered how to end this
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These Songs
Listen
No I feel them
Can remember them
More than anything I’ve ever seen
Hear this thing in my dreams
Somehow speak for me
In some way they feel me
These songs
It’s on or off
They muse me
Even bring me from my own despair
Remind me that I am the creator
Creating this thought I’m holding on to
Creating this feeling about you
Creating this pain when I’m around you
Powerful harmony
These songs
The original high
Powerful enough to lead soldiers to die
Soothing enough ease a baby’s cry
Proportionally voices increase strength
Harmoniously instruments increase potency
But that lone sound,
that touches me
Wake from death
Create new life
These songs
Classically
I get jazzed up
Silently the blues comfort me
The rhythm & blues can’t Pop me
But The rhythm & poetry rock me
Only feel one country
But that feeling of the religious and folk
It somehow was electronic
Whether vocal or instrumental
these songs.
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You Left Me Dad
YOU LEFT ME DAD.
As an toddler you never gave me a chance to say Da-Da, but I said Ma-Ma.
You never were there when I fell to tell me that I don’t need to cry, but mom was.
I realize man is opposite woman, but is mother the opposite of father?
Everything mom does, dad does not?
Every day my mom was there to give love, my dad was not.
WHERE WERE YOU………..?
Now I am a man, a father.
I’m making money and you’re not.
Now you need me, but I no longer need you.
You lost your life and mine has just began.
You are now asking for my love.
My reply is “No”.
I’m the bastard, but you’re going to be treated like one.
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This Talisman
Speak the words
Like you know me
Remind me of who I am
Especially those solemn days
That anticipation of death
That keeps me lonely
Allow me to let go of everything
Except this Talisman
Recite it clearly
The words that are etched in
Their intent pure of innate ability
Suggesting momentarily
I am more than what I am feeling
I sigh in the deepest relief
Although I can recite the words
I am not whole without this Talisman
Meditating abruptly
Arms no longer reaching to the heavens
Strength lacking in every breath
Everyone amplifying you are now in heaven
Yet I’m left here wondering
Under the sounds of the thundering
Rain hiding my emotion
Losing faith in this Talisman
Listening to sounds never uttered
You are just stories
Past down to me hereditarily
And I am meant to believe fully
I dare not question not a single belief
Enduring every mental illness while you forever sleep
Praying for an eternity
Through this Talisman
Hearing moments of peace
Everyone else down on their knees
Reading the same words
That I am meant to believe
As if each word would restore you
As if words would resuscitate you
Contemplating living without you
Laying this Talisman next to you
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Pieces Of Me
Feeling like
I’ve been pulled together
Randomly
The father and mother are clear
But he was never here
Now I think back unraveling
Each layer of me that I see
Seeing every man
That somehow made
An impression on me
Learned love at a very early age
Remembering those hugs
You loved me like I
Never made a single mistake
For whatever reason
You only came around on holidays
Only found out your hidden identity
When AIDS took you away
Learned how to manifest anger
It was routinely on display
Cannot remember my age
But I knew it was in second grade
It reminds me
Of one of those superhero characters
You won’t like me when I’m angry
Because in hindsight
I cannot fathom what
A classroom of 2nd graders
Could ever do
To make you break a chalkboard
But I learned to hold shit in
And when my seeds messed up
I let it explode again and again
Learned how to ride or die
Nothing special
It was just the look in your eyes
Revenge is a bitter pill
Sometimes you get so deep in it
There’s no way out of it
That’s why you need
To have heat with you
Because badge or not
No one wants to get shot
Always stay ready
With a plan to enter
A plan to escape
But if you get stuck
Shut the fuck up
Let the lawyer plead your case
Learned how to just cut ties
Give it your all
Until you bust
Then walk away
With no hesitancy
Nothing means everything
Even though I was your seed
The gravity of you leaving
Helped me leave everything
Learned a lot of things randomly
Watching life’s sermons
While people speaking eloquently
Seeing every addiction
Removed every narcotic curiosity
Regardless of the need to escape
When that high wore off
There is nowhere left to escape
And the reality of who you are
That is all that’s left
Accepting who you really are
Until your final last breath
Learned by watching more than hearing
Seeing you fix things
Instead of using yellow pages
Seeing the logic
Was no internet on site
Laying tiles without a single mistake
Hanging Sheetrock with one hand
Hammer it in with the other hand
Realizing desire more important
Than impossibility
When you want something done
Waiting on someone ain’t always
In your reach
Pieced together
Feeling like those old scarecrows
Resembling something real
But in reality
Just the manifestation
Of different realities
And none of them fit together
Always challenged for them to
Work together
Even if all those influencers
Were in the same room
They wouldn’t like each other
Yet I’m perpetuating their ideals
Stuck not knowing how to feel
Unwilling to let them go
Selfishly it’s all I know
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Living Today
Ever felt like everything you believed was a lie
It’s like you realize in hindsight
Nothing was real, not even reality.
Now the reality that you see ain’t what you expected it to be.
Ever thought what if I changed that one decision in my life.
It’s like you associate your entire existence to one moment in time.
But that time is long gone and so now all you try to do is hold on.
Ever believed there is something better in this world.
Something inspiring, something serene, something that makes this insane world livable.
Something to wake up for. There just has to be more.
Ever thought about the future. And realized everything in your future doesn’t exist in your present. Ever realize that you just created another fantasy instead of living today.
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Days Long Gone
Time gone.
And every time
the past comes to the present,
I can feel the present
being wasted again.
That past is cemented
in the deep caravans
of the earths core.
There is nothing
that can be done
with days long gone.
Time alone.
In the midst of time
it stands alone.
Unstoppable.
Unforgiving.
I just need a single moment
to allow the past pain to heal.
But you push me forward
as if my pain is irrelevant.
There is nothing
that can be done
with days long gone.
Time free.
Never once paid for you,
but you are constantly in my life.
Each day
I become more indebted
yet I never even asked for you.
I need freedom.
You’ve held me too long.
There is nothing
that can be done
with days long gone.
Time bound.
I cannot find peace.
You hold me so tightly
I cannot see my next step.
And I struggle
to even believe.
Why do you command
my life
so strongly.
Why cannot I
just be I.
There is nothing
that can be done
with days long gone.
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Letting Go
So long a part of me, that now I find energy from misery.
It’s a daily affirmation making and checking the gates and walls keeping that hidden pain hidden.
Muscle memory is stronger, I can fight not much longer.
People impressed at the rudimentary shit I do cause they don’t know I’m never letting go.
Brick and mortar use to be torture as I had to modify techniques to remain unique,
so common enemies could go right past without a thought of the hidden vulture.
Death constantly looming,
watching my moves wondering why I spent so many hours protecting mental heirlooms.
Death didn’t know I’m never letting go.
People keep mentioning this place that’s free.
Speaking of earth like it’s really heaven if I could only see.
Each day that triumph and disaster I see completely changing destinies.
Wondering where is their fortress,
where is their shield how can they exist not knowing how to manage life’s unexpected tendencies.
What would they be if they really knew that I’m never letting go.
The past is the only teacher we have.
There is an illusion that there is good and bad.
The response to that which is gone is the changing fad.
A culture of social dictatorship enforcing how you must feel and what you must do.
But what if, the answer is just in you.
Picking and choosing what to include and exclude is not the solution, the mastery of managing the response is the revolution.
Letting Go.
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Sigh For A Smile
Sigh for a smile
Remembering when I
Would sigh out of frustration
As an emotional release
Opening the valve
Releasing it all
Emptying my cup
Vulnerabilities and all
Sigh for a smile
Recognizing every trouble
Each and every trial I’ve been through
The tribulations that weakened me
Somehow ended up
Strengthened me
Lavishing in all of it
Because I am all of it
Sigh for a smile
Remembering the many days
When I thought
There was no other way
Holding onto the past
Cause the present
Wasn’t what I planned
Now I see the real plan
Sigh for a smile
when I lay my head
Down to sleep
Everything I am
Is what you expected of me
Never relinquish peace
Or serenity
That alignment to destiny
Sigh for a smile
Shaking my head
In the amount of disbelief
Remembering those that fell
Acknowledging those enslaved
Calling out to the lost
And it’s just by chance
I am not the same
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Just Ride
Ride….. As far as possible.
There is no time or speed quest.
Just a feeling of emptiness.
Striving to have a mind clear of any premeditated thought.
Focused on spiritual oneness , aligning the mind to push the body past what it was taught.
Ride…..Far away.
Up a hill I know I cannot climb.
Chasing down the speeders staying right on their line.
Reaching eagerly for that point of exhaustion.
Pushing relentlessly until there is nothing left but the will to say hold on.
Ride…. Far into.
Into that bliss of nothingness where no one exist.
Just having hydrating liquids as my only salvation.
Feeling that physical pain.
Muscles tightening. All the while I get stronger and stronger.
There is nothing close to the spiritual awakening than challenging yourself beyond your own beliefs.
Ride …. Ride out of.
Out of the limits of world.
Into this community of individuals seeking the same euphoria of oneness with nothingness.
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Kept Thinking
Kept thinking
I could escape my past
Find a way to end the wrath
I thought the longer I lived
The more happiness I would have
And old painful things
Would fall away at last
Wanted to believe in pure things
That not everyone is an enemy
But had too many trusted faces
That I can no longer tell
Who is who
In the fell clutch if circumstance
No longer willing to take a chance
Kept thinking
Loss is only temporary
And eventually it is replaced
In some type of way
Replenishing what was missing
When protection is lost
A different person emerges
Wanted to believe in pure things
That this evil festering is temporary
Now we are so intertwined
I smile so you believe I’m fine
Ruthlessly divert conversations
Protecting everything left in me
Barely holding the vengeance within
Kept thinking
If I had that day again
If my God created protector
Was just there
But he never showed up
And never will again
Crushed into oblivion
Sy Bryant 