Depth of eternity
Discover my sanity
Peace ignores me
Evaded positivity
Attracting empty
Darkness surrounding
Doubt engulfing
Downwardly pressing
Inevitably breaking
Brace destroying
Hope dissolved
Freedom evolved
Faith concentrated
Love incinerated
Light faded
Striving bounty
Screaming loudly
Brightening cloudy
Thinking profoundly
Standing proudly
Life is so cruel
Filled with mean things
Because even though I know
Hair doesn’t mean everything
What I see is something quite different
I see scarfs on heads
Just to hide what’s missing.
Life ain’t what it seems
With all of its cruelty
Why can’t I just be me
Just walk about in the street
Hair slowly leaving me
They said its just a side effect
But it feels so permanent
Life keeps talking to me
Telling me
That I am more than what I seem
This hair don’t mean a thing
With or without it
I am still me
Hair doesn’t define me
Life twisted on me
Turned away from me
No longer need to style a thing
Getting ready is so much easier
Yet I always notice people staring
Some comments can be so mean
What does hair even mean?
I remember days of energy
I remember doing endless things
I remember feeling optimistic
I remember things so different
But in this moment
Energy Is Gone
Remembering endless summers
Remembering a warm rain
Remembering trying new things
Remembering hot meals
But right now
Energy Is Gone
Thinking about today
Thinking there has to be a way
Thinking if I just prayed a little more
Thinking what if there was more
But after it’s done
Energy Is Gone
I am thinking in this moment
I am thinking right now
I am thinking after it’s done
There will be nothing left of me
Because I have lost everything
Energy Is Gone
It is crazy what we are even talking about
We are talking about making it easier
For that Red Devil to get into me
Saying it will be faster
Less intrusive
You keep talking
Like we are friendly
You saying this is for me
porT.Life
porT.Life
It is like suddenly
I felt every drop of medicine
Quickly being absorbed in me
Most times you think medicines take time
But intravenously it goes right into me
I am feeling a bit sleepy
Just watching the drips drop
Right into me
And we repeat this process
Every two weeks I am here
You saying hello so nicely
But it isn’t something I want to hear
Because I know after that hello
You are asking how I’m feeling
Like if how I’m feeling matters
I know what’s coming right after
porT.Life
porT.Life
Probably saved my life
Not sure I would have endured the endless needles
Hoping I had the right nurse to stick me properly
That knew my body well enough
To not dig that needle around
When no vein was found
I know I should be thankful
Let’s just say I’m grateful
porT.Life
Went to church today
Just listening to the words that were said
Anticipating the feeling
Cause I know at some point
The Pastor’s words
Are about to touch me
I know he knows just from my face
That I am struggling
And I just need to hear a word
Went to my parents today
Shared the news with them
After the tears
We said everything that we had to say
Giving them comfort
As they are doing the same for me
Promising each other
We will be there
For each other, for an eternity
Went to visit my best friend
Received completely
The deepest constructed belief
Nothing from the tear duct was needed
Ensured under specific terms
That each surgeon would do their duty
Every nurse would protect me
Even the technicians would take the right readings
Everything preordained
Went to visit the waterfront today
Listening to musicians
As they filled the air with strings
To the rhythm of the percussion
During the brief moment of black out
Externally screamed to victory
Joyous word please fill me
God please do not forsake me
Don’t want to be here
But there is no other way
This is what the doctor recommended
This was the best treatment option
Even after this evasive surgery
Chemo is my Therapy
It is hard to even go up this elevator
Knowing what will happen when I get there
The first time I have to sit in that chair
Promising me it will be comfortable
Cannot even anticipate what this will really be
Chemo is my Therapy
Nurses talking me through this
It will only be a few hours
That I will never get back again
Swear I could feel it enter me
Slowly drained all of my energy
Lethargically asking “Can someone help me”
Chemo is my Therapy
Periodically waking up
Asking for a cup of water
Maybe some cranberry juice
Anything to end this dryness
As if this poisonous liquid
Evaporated every liquid inside of me
Chemo is my Therapy
Pleading to end this
Last drop and then it will stop
Wanting to just stand
But there is nothing left in me
They offering wheelchairs
Rebuking this latency
Chemo is my Therapy
Grasping toward my last breath
I will stand up
I will walk on my own power
Just let me hold on briefly
Finding my balance eventually
Accepting this is only day one
Chemo is my Therapy
I hate what it’s called
They say it so easily
Those two words
As if giving it a nickname
Will make it a lesser pain
I hate what its called
Yet they say it
As if it’s a medical term
Invoking something criminal
As it enters intravenously
That name
That phrase
How could you fathom this
Killing parts of me
Then expecting more of me
Walking in gingerly
Holding that bag so easily
Further destroying this shell of me
Hating that I am not as strong
As I use to be
Why do you do this to me
Pretend that you are helping me
Every two weeks the same thing
Pumping this red liquid purposely
Feeling it enter me
With everything I have left
I will help whoever needs it
So we can stop using this
Save me and Kill that
That Red Devil
Believe In Me
Know that I will never give up
Know that I will do my best
I will forsake anything
That won’t allow me to do my thing
I am going to get through this
Every single bit of this
Believe In Me
Know that I am fighting every fight
And even when I need to pause
Know that it is just for a rest
I am going to do my best
Give this thing my everything
Don’t worry about a thing
Believe In Me
When I am hardest hit
When I am almost motionless
Some days will be better
While others, I’d like to forget
Do not ever give up on me
Maintain every single hope
Believe In Me
Even when you don’t believe in yourself
I just need to know
That at the very minimal of existence
I can count on your persistence
Your sheer will to be there for me
Always love me
Believe In Me
No matter what you hear
Ignore every study that you’ll read about
Know that I am in control of this
I am not going to give up on this
We all have our burdens to bear
I just need to know that you care
I had to give them a name
Knowing that they didn’t grow up with me
At first they were these strange things
But now they are just an intricate part of me
And I am loving them
Every part of them
Even without Natural Boobs
Still loving them Foobs
It’s a strange feeling to be honest
They don’t feel like they use to feel
I know they are not real
But there is nothing fake on me
Everything that I am, is all me
Treat them the same as the old ones
Care for them with the same scrutiny
Once they are healed I will be free
These Foobs
Know they are not boobs
Moving around on purpose
Trying to be so disruptive
Knowing there are no bras
Made for things like this
So happy to have them
Last ones didn’t really like me
Wondering at times
Would people treat me differently
If I still had mine
Only those close to me
Truly know I am different completely
Pictures no longer look like me
These Foobs are the only outward indication
That I survived this biological manipulation
I don’t even know what to say
Nothing is really different here
I feel exactly the same
There are lots of people
That truly care
And if I could utter a sound
If I could just hear a sound
Just to know that someone is around
Telling everyone I love
Hearing the tearful sound in their voice
As if I was given a death sentence
As if I no longer have a choice
Please know this is not the end
There is a treatment already laid out
There will be a day to rejoice
I am going to exhaust every possible choice
Believing in God
That single entity
If you could give me a sound
Remind me intrinsically
I wouldn’t have to endure this
If God didn’t already know I could
But did it have to be me?
Please God protect me
People calling routinely
As if my status changes day to day
That thing they asking about
Growing microscopically daily
There is nothing I can really do
Convincing myself it’s a better option
If I can finally just enjoy myself
I just need to hear a sound
Closing my eyes
With a sound belief
Those bells ringing
When I finish this whole thing
Futuristically planning
Trying my best to envision the conclusion
That that doctor will proclaim to me
“You are cancer free”
Waiting for it
That day they spoke of
Receiving counseling about it
Joined a few groups about it
Not sure what it will do to me
Waiting on everything
Waiting for it
Just a single line of thought
Sounded so simple
When the doctor described it
Do this or be doomed by it
Only option is to get through it
Waiting for it
They looking intently
Expecting a treatment decision
Giving me all these options
Then suspecting indifference
The response comes slowly
What do they want from me
Waiting for it
Two surgeries in one
How does that even work
Keeping me unconscious
With my innards exposed
Intricately extracting pieces of me
Good and Bad leaving me
Waiting for it
Looking differently forever
People still using flattering words
Stuck between believing what they say
And what I see
Learning to once again
Find my own beauty
It was the only way to stop tears
Starting counting them as they fell
Just needed something different to do
These things wouldn’t stop
Falling endlessly
And I am just hoping there’s an end to this
But the hurt was latched on
And there was nothing that could be done
So all that could be done was done
Counting the tears
Just wanted to know
Deep from within
What could be done differently
Just to feel differently
Couldn’t do anything to shake the feeling
Felt every bit of moisture
Falling down softly
Stuck thinking
Thinking deeply
Counting the tears
What is life truly offering
If it can be cut so short
Doing everything right
For so long
Each day
Each night
Yet somehow
Without the slightest warning
This thing I will not name
Counting the tears
Could I just rewind the time
Just give me one single time
Give me that exact day
That I did whatever I did
To bring this suffering my way
I will repent
Give me a chance to atone
Can I ask forgiveness for every sin
The darkest places are so near
Counting the tears
Just Watching
The world is going by
Everything slowed down
Since that last sound
Providing me the words
I don’t want to hear
Cancer is near
Just Watching
Wondering about this thing
It is inside of me growing
How did I not even know
That this thing was a being
Growing within me
Cancer is a part of me
Just Watching
Everything change instantly
Couldn’t even imagine
That I just learned of this thing
Somewhere inside of me
Plotting to destroy me
Cancer within me
Just Watching
Taking everything in
As if the world is suddenly new
Things just don’t feel the same
Even when someone calls my name
So unexpectedly
Cancer growing in me
It is right in front of me
The day is upon me
The phone is ringing
Knowing who’s calling
I don’t want to even answer
What does it even mean
This Diagnosis
They still talking
Yet I don’t hear a thing
Already searching for information
Not trusting what they are saying
Their voice sounds so serene
But hearing the urgency
This Diagnosis
Doctor asking me simple questions
Do I understand?
Do I have any questions?
Are you available for a follow-up appointment?
Mind was so focused
Saying absolutely nothing
This Diagnosis
This cannot be real
I know this doctor has to be wrong
I know God protects me
Hearing the “C” got me
Cannot even say it easily
What has happened to me
This Diagnosis
The 2nd doctor
Said the same as the first
Thought I feel different
And actually I do
I feel a lot worse
Is my fate sealed?
This Diagnosis
Patiently
Can you call it that
That time between the test and the result
Waiting for it
Knowing things don’t feel the same already
Begging already
Fear Leave Me
Slowly
Just calming my breath
Closing each eye
Refusing profusely
Not to even cry
Being open to possibility
Fear Leave Me
Deeply
Listening to my heart beat
Beat by individual beat
Not even sure what to expect
Am I completely sure?
Does life have more for me?
Fear Leave Me
Evidently
Something still left to be said
Arranging times already
Expecting the worst already
Not even sure what’s really wrong
Nothing is really wrong
Fear Leave Me
Suspiciously
Wondering why me
Knowing something doesn’t feel right
The doctor speaking slowly
Saying the words I don’t want to hear
Opening up introspectively
Fear Leave Me
Watching the world differently
Thankful for life’s perpetual energy
Because some days
They are better than other days
When those infrequent days
Take over my entire being
And I’m on the brink
Of losing every bit of sanity
If only, If only, If only
There was a cure we could see
Watching the world differently
Those words hurt more than life
That diagnosis threatening my wife
Slowly but surely it progresses
It is almost an endless process
Left wondering what is next
Isn’t this enough to bear
Now I start to notice the loss of hair
The hair loss is everywhere
I wish there was just a cure somewhere
Watching the world differently
Appreciating every single opportunity
Because just at the mere thought
That I almost lost her
That single thought changed my entire life
Couldn’t imagine my own life
If I would have lost my own wife
Every single day I treat differently
Loving her to a relentless extent
Just hoping a cure is eminent
Praying That
Every single memory
Will be cherished
For an entire eternity
That somehow
That love and joy
Sustains you
Forever more.
Praying that
When things go wrong
The wisdom they shared keeps you going
That special memory
That you remember
Continues, holding your dreams forever
That your sadness finds comfort
Knowing joy will come after.
Praying that
The accomplishments you’ll make
That you never underestimate
Know that they are so proud
And that they’ll always be around
Saying I’m so proud
Accept that change is inevitable
But life is perpetual.
Praying that
You will always say their name
Even when no one else can
Believe in life, like life believes in you
Allow your heart to heal
No One will ever know how you feel
May comfort stay by your side
And the strength of God’s will.
Seeking serenity
Looking into every past
Each person touched
Every place with a tear
All the pain that was left
Asking serenity
Feeling the variability
Unlimited choices
So many missed steps
The past anchors me
Speaking serenity
Talking life
Into everything
Realizing pain instantly
Life not for me
Feeling serenity
Every breath precious
Each pulse exaggerated
Planted synergy
Speak Life
Amen
Start each day with an Amen
No vain shit about my eyes open and I can breathe
My life ain’t for me, its for the seeds to breathe
Speak Life
Energy
Putting in that energy
Solid work for every minute with the seed
Opening their minds to the possibility of the seed
Speak Life
Patience
Avoid even saying Patience
No time to wait for everything to be perfectly aligned
That focus is driven to succeed relentlessly aligned
Speak Life
Persevere
Always persevere
No need to stop when the destination so clear
Hustling through adversity makes life clear
Sy Bryant 