Tag: Fatherless

Faint memories
Devastated me
The fallacy of belief
Holding onto fiction
Artistically describing
Each and every interaction
Remembering Christmas morning
Thinking we were a family

Haunted memories
Seeing who made you
Each time I thought
Even for an instance
The other half of me
Finally wanted me
Just an illusion I created
Wanting family

Fake Memories
Created multi parent household
Lasted until I was 10 years old
Held me and allowed me to grow
Didn’t even know
Parents weren’t suppose to go
Slowly realized
The one sided family

Angered memories
Woke up realizing
Single parent household
Faults amplified
The rejection taken hold
Half of what made me
No longer wanted me
That’s my family

Ignored memories
Siblings visited
Far off and distant
Never an embrace
Barely a hello
Realized, for the first time
I was alone
Abandoned by family

Recognized it quickly
Early on in childhood
Ninety houses on one street
I was one of the few
Where it was just
My mom and me
It was clearly recognized
Just a different energy

Things that
Were significant for us
The relationship was based on trust
The mom had to provide
Meaning I saw her sporadically
When she was home
She was tired
From all the sacrifices for me
She would absolutely be there
For all those trivial things

From 5401 to 5491
Families upon families
We enjoyed our youth profusely
Individually everyone had their issues
But when we were together
We had no issues
But everything was different for me
Because in our crew
I was the one that had the curfew
The individual with the single parent home
Most of the day no one was home
No one to even get peace from

Dude was never there
It was just the challenge
I’m the only one that says “dad”
But when I say it
It has no meaning
No one responds
The air swallows it up
No one gives a fuck
That’s when the promise started
I never wanted to be that dude

Eventually I started labeling others
Calling them dad because I had none
Camp counselors, teachers
Any man I gave a crown to
Always had men in my family
But they weren’t always around
And every man with the same belief
He’ll be okay eventually
He’s mom can do more than me

Signs were evident
something was wrong in me
But not those normal
Red flags you see
I wasn’t in jail
Went to every class
Did exceptionally well
Teachers viewed me well
Mom provided everything
Supporting both of us
But now that festering of pain
Always feels like it will erupt
So accustomed to this feeling
Dare not disturb the feeling
Just keep ignoring the signs
Let them pass with time

From day one
I rejected you
Self inflicting pain
Before you even settled
Already concluded your departure
Lost so many chances
Missed the opportunities
To learn and grow together

From day one
I knew I wasn’t the focus
Seeking my mothers attention
But that was my attention
Didn’t want to share
What I had rightfully stole
Wasn’t willing to negotiate
Opened the Art of War

From day one
Relentless in pursuit
Battling endlessly
No one was taking
Her from me
Creating insurmountable obstacles
But possession being the 9/10
I struggled for the win

From day one
Every visit was contentious
Until you opened up independently
And started teaching new things
Applying castling, running wires, sheetrock
Just basic things
Filling every void and gap
Wish I had you back

From day one
To that very last day
Half my life passed away
Finding comfort in your peace
Eternally grateful you chose me
Not every person is able
Or even willing
Caring for another’s seed

This breeze,
Blowing through a blue sky day
No clouds,
With slow memories
Drifting past my way
Years of days
Traversing this earth,
Concentrated on bad decisions,
Indecisions
Wondering
How much was truly taken from that circumcision.

Raising youths
In the shadow I created.
Moving life indiscriminately
So they avoid things that I hated.
Constant belief,
Experiences and knowledge
Won’t be enough,
At some point,
They will face life.
Life,
In its tumultuous phases
Bringing triumph and disaster
With multiple faces.

Fighting through
Perceptions
Of generational
Legacies.
Finding that
One ray of sun
With unlimited possibility.
Learning
Through experience,
My pain is their base.
Praying
Their seeds
Are planted in a new place.

The vision clear.
Success near.
The joy
Upon their dimpled cheeks.
It is just that
Moment of peace,
That I’m longing to seek.
Striving for tomorrow’s sun
To witness
Us stronger
Than when this day begun.

The vision to see beyond my dreams
Random thoughts instantly appearing
Joyous laughter in the deepest pit of fear
Seeing an entire life in one idea.

The vision to believe past circumstances
Living for future realizations
Finding harmony throughout the turmoil
Viewing this world in just one peace.

The vision more than imagined
Being in the midst of elaborate fantasy
Guiding each breathe to reach elation
Awakening innate power of success

Keep writing
Just to get it all out
Anything I can do
Cannot scream
Dear not shout
But the frustration
It’s confusing
Peace
It’s elusive

Keep writing
Speaking life into me
Somehow gaining energy
Constant serenity
Searching for more
Bless me with more
Always looking for
That gentle peace

Keep writing
Doing all I can
Letting it slip through
The anger, the fascination
Everything in me
Causing the hysteria
Rain drenching
Thunder rattling

I’m tired
Heard you say it
a thousand times
And I thought it was physical
All the time
Now I see, now I feel
That deep rooted appeal
People talking happy days
All the joy they have
Even on a sad day
I cannot feel it
Is it real?
Never had it, never will

Tired of this day
Being the last
Impatiently waiting
Exhausted anticipating
Tired, so tired, tired
Of everything
On everything
Tired of this day
Being the last
Impatiently waiting
Exhausted anticipating
Tired, so tired, tired
Of everything
On everything

Life is spent giving
Making sure others are living
Give it my all
But what’s left
Just the grand fall
So, so, tired
Doing everything that I can
Nothing left but sand
Pairs of footprints in back of me
Been here the whole time
Striving with all I got
But tired, is all I got

Tired of this day
Being the last
Impatiently waiting
Exhausted anticipating
Tired, so tired, tired
Of everything
On everything
Tired of this day
Being the last
Impatiently waiting
Exhausted anticipating
Tired, so tired, tired
Of everything
On everything

Show strength
Through every weakness
Accepting that I am
Everything that I have done
Molded through hardship
Into what I’ve become

Show strength
Through every tear
Releasing all I fear
Uncontrollable circumstances
Finding fake comfort
loving fake romances

Show strength
Through the Earth’s rotation
Defensively approaching situations
The past me, has gripped me
Presently not focused on me
Praying seeds are blessed irrespectively

Show strength
Through every heartbreak
Accepting quickly it’s for my sake
Holding onto a finite being
Prevents realization of the dream
Reaching toward that infinite being

So long a part of me,
that now I find energy from misery.
It’s a daily affirmation making and checking
the gates and walls keeping that hidden pain hidden.
Muscle memory is stronger,
I can fight not much longer.
People impressed at the rudimentary shit I do
cause they don’t know I’m never letting go.

Brick and mortar use to be torture
as I had to modify techniques to remain unique,
so common enemies could go right past
without a thought of the hidden vulture.
Death constantly looming,
watching my moves
wondering why I spent so many hours
protecting mental heirlooms.
Death didn’t know I’m never letting go.

People keep mentioning this place that’s free.
Speaking of earth
like it’s really heaven if I could only see.
Each day that triumph and disaster
I see completely changing destinies.
Wondering….
where is their fortress,
where is their shield
how can they exist not knowing
how to manage life’s unexpected tendencies.
What would they be
if they really knew that I’m never letting go.

The past is the only teacher we have.
There is an illusion that there is good and bad.
The response to that which is gone is the changing fad.
A culture of social dictatorship
enforcing how you must feel
and what you must do.
But what if,
the answer is just in you.
Picking and choosing what to include and exclude
not the solution,
the mastery of managing the response is the revolution.
Letting Go.

Experiencing things Differently
As if different choices were made
Imaging the differences as reality
Now I’m stuck on this fantasy
What if’s. And If that’s….
None of it means a thing
In reality it’s not better or worse
It’s just a different path to the same thing

Going deep into the emotion of different things
Plotting out new courses with a different ring
The difference of this emotion is only
That I’m trying to make it different
Like trying to only carve out the best
Like this fantasy wont let me rest
Repeating my past with different decisions
Precisely laid out like an incision
It’s just a different way but the same pain

Looking at money differently
Don’t need different banks to exchange pennies
I am the hedge fund, creating wealth differently
Money watching money make money
Different life sure to be
That different life, different expenses surely
And in an instant still broke as could be
But at least I made the money differently

Pain is soothed by different thoughts
As if I weren’t in control the first time around
The different things I would have done
If and only if I knew what I know now
Same intelligence doesn’t lead to a different result
This is the life I have, I could start living or be lost
Focusing on where I am
versus where I thought I should be
The only difference, is the difference I am imagining.
Copyright 2018 Sy Bryant. All rights reserved

Loved and rejected
Synonymously interwoven
Associate one with the other
As if they are one in the same
As I come to accept the real
Pain
Loving ones that rejects you
Rejecting ghosts that love you

Peace and pain
Intertwined overtime
Pretending I’m at peace
With the the pain within me
So comfortable in fact
Life
Is the peace I feel in pain
The pain becomes my peace

Accepted and deteriorated
Building inescapable fate
Witnessing my own demise
Longing for an escape
Accepting the amount of hate
Existence
accepting a deteriorating life
Deteriorating accepting systemic defeat

Hope and Hate
Creating mystical obstacles
Hoping for Love and Peace
Hating the pain and rejection
Deteriorating my acceptance
Living
Regardless of this past
Independently I shall last

I cannot blame you
For who I was
No more than I can blame you
For who I am
I am every choice
That I MAKE
So of those will good
Most will be bad
The only comfort
Is that I am so focused
On learning from my own mistakes

I cannot blame you
Although I spent so much time
Doing exactly that
That know that I know better
Its hard to change a thing
Because I cannot get
Not one single second back
So instead of blaming you
Now, in reality I started hating you
Using hate as a fuel
I have become so cruel

I cannot blame you
But it is easier to blame you
Than to blame myself
Because if I blame myself
That would mean I failed myself
And I do not want to admit that
To myself
Yet I am stuck in this cycle
Of a lack of accountability
For every choice that I made
Wasn’t always made for me

Years of tears
Letting every drop
Build up
Hold it in
Containing it
Letting evaporation
Evaporate every sin
Take away each pain

Years of tears
The dam is well maintained
Always with
A smile on the face
Hiding every disgrace
Left thinking
How to hide everything
As if I don’t feel a thing

Years of tears
In the pit of despair
Feeling the void
Lost energy
Everything leaving me
Any possibility to see
Something new
Old world view

Years of tear
And every few years
I release these tears
Flushing out everything
Lost in this fantasy
As if pain is temporary
Pretending in this
No end to this

First tear gave way for another
Wallowed within the mystery
The deepest darkest scheme
Started as just a dream
Which enabled envy
Thinking I’m more than another

First tear washed away the fear
Created new opportunities
Opened every door I saw
Didn’t realize this was all
Recognizing hopes improbabilities
The coldest day gripped in fear

First tear washing the past
Out the window staring
Seeing the intricacies
Peeping the mysteries
No one even caring
How long will it last

First tear just a shadow of me
Sun exaggerating the humidity
Sweat filling each every pore
With infinite dollars I’m still poor
Slowly losing every bit of dignity
Void of everything I claim to be

I have been unwanted for so long
Only want people
that don’t want me
Lovely feeling chasing
fake memories
Making beauty
out of the worse things
If I ain’t unwanted
must be something wrong
Cause why would someone
Ever wanna want me
Cause why would someone
Ever want to stop
putting pain on me
Addicted to this pain
It’s the only real thing

I have been unwanted for so long
Afraid to
say my own name
It must be the initiation
of this innermost pain
Magnetism embedded
In the syllables
Pulls negativity
directly into me
Sitting and waiting
Waiting and thinking
Thinking and listening
Listening and believing
Believing in pain
Cause pain is what I know
So I keep it close to me

I have been unwanted for so long
Rorschach said to me
It makes me happy
I don’t wanna even see
that you stay hurting me
It’s not you
It’s me
Situational silence
Violent surprising
Weight heavy for me
World won’t wait for me
Will you bring it to me
That peaceful way
Loving me everyday
Thinking it’s a new way
When it’s my only way

Hurting for so long
Self inflicted pain
Rationalizing others effects on me
I cannot remember anyone staying with me
At some point everyone leaves
De prioritized me
So eventually I would leave
Before they would leave me

Do not share the inner you
Having prescribed emotions
Reading people before they read you
Staying on the defense
Only trust my own boundary
Cause I know it’s just me
The mirror looking at me
And the only one it sees is me

Living four lives on a constant basis
The reality of the past
Wondering how long pain will last
The what if of the past
As if I could avoid my past
The fantasy of the future
And presently As if the previous three
Don’t already have a handle on me

Not as strong as the shadow I cast
Easy to spout off important things that last
Pitching suggestions and allegations relentlessly
But those soliloquies don’t inspire me

Not as influential as the wake of success
Trained in the art of war, only pursued the inevitable
Encouraging every soul within my grasp
But that inspiration doesn’t care for me.

Not as thoughtful as gracious people say I am
I’m avoiding regret and karma on the back end
Making a difference in other people’s life
But life is not the same for me

Not as caring as I care to be
Able to ignore desperate people in time of need
Selfishly focused like that doesn’t impact me
But it’s who I am. And that person is me.

Who knows me?
Walking this world with billions of people
Yet I walk it alone.
No one could say they know my dreams
No one can say they love me
No one knows me

Who knows me?
Cannot remember someone offered to help
When is the last time I had a visit
Have endless experiences but none momentous
But I’m sure people have asked loving questions
And I casually find a way to deflect them
The wall that protects me is strong
No one knows me

Who knows me?
There have been people seeking to find the entry
But I let no one in.
Blame everyone for the wrongdoing of a few and that was the end.
There is no worth in loving unconditionally
More misfortune than lies than any happy feeling
Take the easy way out and stay alone
At least I know who I’m with
No one knows me

Sitting here thinking bout the past,
I’m always surprised
I was able to make it last.
It ain’t an anchor
But a lot of lessons learned,
Now I’m just tryna
Heed my own words.

Just never knew I’d end up here.
Filled with all kinds of shit
I don’t wanna hear.
Thinking of the present future
With the past right here.
If only you knew,
If only I could bear.

Walking this street
With the rain falling.
Screaming out loud
And it’s God I’m calling.
I need to understand
Why I’m being punished.
Who did I hurt?
What did I do?
Feeling like I’m finished.

Just never knew
I’d end up here.
Filled with all kinds of shit
I don’t wanna hear.
Thinking of the present future
With the past right here.
If only you knew,
If only I could bear.

Think I’m scared
To know the truth.
What would be revealed
If I knew the truth.
Contemplating shit
That ain’t even real.
Caught up in past decisions
Like it’s my final deal.
What am I suppose to do?

Just never knew I’d end up here.
Filled with all kinds of shit
I don’t wanna hear.
Thinking of the present future
with the past right here.
If only you knew,
If only I could bear.

wish I could give you hope
Hope to see
Beyond your limitations
To believe in
Outlandish destinations
Knowing that all you need
Is hope

wish I could give you grace
Grace to appreciate
Every single blessing
Each opportunity
With endless appreciation
Knowing that all you need
Is grace

wish I could give you energy
Energy to reach your goals
Your wildest fantasy
Every possible thing
You could ever need
Knowing that all you need
Is energy

wish I could give you everything
Everything that you need
Filling every single dream
Close your eyes
Make thought the Reality
Knowing that all you need
Is everything