Square Biz
I didn’t hear any specific greeting as my entire focus was captured in the visual allure. Seeing the comfort in the understanding only made me desire what I didn’t have even more. You were saying something so important. It isn’t that the words didn’t convey meaning, but the expressions on your face communicated it clearly. There was something hidden beyond that purple towel. You weren’t calling me for obscene reasons, but there was truth on a spiritual realm. Looking in the mirror at your own reflection, a simple color brought me into your mind. Calling me was just the outcome of that deeper meaning.
“Are you paying attention to me,” Amirah said suddenly. She interrupted her train of thought as I wasn’t reacting to anything she was saying. I didn’t laugh or smirk as she talked shit on other people. I was listening with a quiet intensity, as her words meant nothing. I was focused on staring at her shoulders, as her skin was bare. I am sure over the years I have seen her in outfits that showed her shoulders or even a bathing suit while adjacent to a pool. This experience was different as there was only a purple towel preventing me from seeing the nakedness of her entirety. I was staring into my phone as if I had never seen a woman before.
“I’m listening,” I replied quickly hoping she wasn’t paying attention to the depth of my hesitancy. Just that quick phrase provided enough satisfaction for her to continue her story. I was still unable to concentrate sincerely, as she was visually distracting. Unparalleled in beauty I was expected to continue listening as if I was a relative that could be unphased by visual stimulation. Amirah wasn’t related to me in any fashion. We happened to meet through my girlfriend years ago. They stood side by side when we were in college. Both equally tantalizing, it was only by chance that Aaliyah and I bonded. Their friendship was instrumental into turning me into this strange relationship with Amirah.
“Boy if you don’t answer me, I swear….” Amirah snapped at me.
“I’m here. I am listening” I responded.
“What did I say?” she asked.
All I could offer was silence, because she had already been talking for at least 7 minutes and 20 seconds according to the time of the video call. I wasn’t embarrassed that I wasn’t paying attention, as it was more important to create memories of these images. Periodically we would have these types of episodes. Literally nothing sexual being suggested, yet every image would take hold of me. In the midst of everything that was happening, I did indeed see her as my wife’s friend. And any friend of my wife was a friend to me.
“If you ain’t listening to me, I mind as well just hang up.” she said with a strong voice.
“You are literally distracting me” I uttered quickly.
“How?” she retorted.
“You are butt ass naked talking to me with just a purple towel on,” I explained, “and if this isn’t intentional, things are worse as your subconscious is definitely feeling me.”
“BOOOOYYYYY! Ain’t no body feeling you but Aaliyah, and I still don’t understand THAT! With your square ass,” she spoke while busting out in laughter.
“Yeah whatever”, was all I could muster.
There were slight moments of silence as we bickered back and forth. Both of us unwilling to concede that the other was right. Left with these images that I could not give back. Wanting to call again and just continue whatever it was that she was saying. Speculating that there was something more than the obvious. The reality was that she literally didn’t “see me like that”. That was the phrase offered in the past when things could have led to something uncomfortable.
There was one instance that ended up alone when after this alcohol fueled get together of their friends. Although people were spread out across the darkened house, she ended up falling asleep right on my chest. If not for the moans of comfort, I would have never known she was even there.
“Why are you all up on me?” she said drunkenly.
“Hello! You laying on me.” was my response.
“It’s just comfortable here.” she added.
“Amirah, you need to move before….”
“Before, what?” she interrupted.
“Before something happens that shouldn’t” I definitively stated.
“Make me,” Amirah dared.
I cannot remember how I managed myself out of that situation. That wasn’t the first time it was uncomfortable, but it was the first time she felt my hardness against her body. Logic would have told each of us to separate and repent. We used the excuse of not knowing what to say to Aaliyah as the reason to continue the charade. We would often accept people’s perception that we were long lost siblings or even the very best of friends. The reality is that we could depend on each other with the greatest of confidence. But there was something there. I am just not sure the depths of the feeling. I wanted it to be only lust, but I also knew whatever I was going through Amirah was my first point of contact.
Amirah had a different strength than her best friend. Then I wondered if they were indeed best friends. Aaliyah never questioned if Amirah reached out to me directly. Often times it was about developing strategies for our respective jobs, but toward the end of every conversation she would mention something to test my manhood. Simultaneously I didn’t see life without her in it. Unwilling to admit that it was the combination of the both women that elevated me to my highest realm. It was this interdependency that we shared that we both protected. Knowing unequivocally we were not meant to be, but this side hustle relationship fit perfectly.
There was this magic that persisted throughout my life. Where God would give me everything that I needed. The time with Amirah was no different than that. Every time she reached out or vice versa, it was something needed to get us over a hump. Especially in those moments where Aaliyah would literally ask me to drop something off to Amirah on my way home from work. There was something exciting about it. Regardless of how I was feeling, being in her presence lifted my spirits.
“What do you want?” was provided instead of a hello.
“Are you home?” I asked.
“Why do you want to know?” Amirah questioned.
“GIRL! Are you home or not?” my frustration was showing.
“I guess, why?” she inquired.
“Wifey, wants me to drop something off,” I replied.
“Oh. When ya’ll get married? Why wasn’t I invited.” she stated.
“Girl, I will be there in a minute, just open the door.” I exclaimed.
It was already not going as planned. Not that I had a specific plan per se. One thing that deterred from that was the selfish desire to leave better than when I arrived. Given the preceding innuendoes from her flirtatious ways, I stayed anxious about what the interaction would bring. Thankfully there was always some level of frustration for the most minor of things.
“You DO NOT need to bang on my door.” she yelled.
“I literally told you I was on my way, ” I replied.
“That doesn’t mean I was dressed.” she stated.
“Why are you getting dressed for me for,” I asked.
“Oh! I am just supposed to show up to the door naked.” she said with a tone.
“Would it matter?” I asked.
“If you want to stay with ‘Wifey’ … YEAH!” she concluded the conversation.
There was no response I could even suggest. It was moments like this that confused my understanding of our relationship. I am not saying I wanted to come over here with a free pass to fuck, but I often wondered how our energy would be if when we were truly alone. The feeling was in the air just lingering, but was it worth the risk. There was so much I was willing to say and speculate with distance between us. Face to face there was always something different. It felt more casual and tame than anything that I ever thought about before.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as something was off today.
“Nothing.” was all Amirah said.
“Oh. You doing that women thing where I supposed to figure it out.” I said with an arrogant tone.
“No. I mean nothing,” was all she was willing to share.
Knowing Amirah for so many years now, I knew it was more than that. But there was nothing I could do to extract out the real problem at hand.
“Why can’t I get a break?” she finally exhaled.
“What do you mean?” I said cautiously.
“Well. My job always has problems. They are probably about to fire me. I end up dating men that don’t understand me. And on top of all that, my best friend’s man wants to fuck me.” she offered.
“Who said I wanted to fuck you?” I asked
“C’mon be for real. If I kissed you right now, would you stop me?” She replied.
She was right. I loved Aaliyah, but if Amirah reached out I wouldn’t pull away. We both knew that. We also knew I wouldn’t make a move toward her unless it was a guarantee. It wasn’t worth having a false start. I did want her, but wanted to love her and not just fuck her. Amirah literally elevated my life and experiences. I could risk it all for some ass, but then what. It the lack of knowing the long term outcome that would stop me from doing anything. This endless cycle of making these right turns in my mind, led her to call me “Square” constantly. In addition to all the other tame things I would do. Everything I was, was predictable except for how I loved Amirah.
I was just sitting on her tan colored couch, while Amirah was cleaning the last of her dishes. We were not sharing any words, just the awkward silence of nothingness. Then she turned on the TV and turned the lights down before sitting right next to me on this large L-shaped couch. In the moment, it was as if I was here to spend time with her instead of dropping off the clothes that Aaliyah had just given me in the morning. Instead of just watching TV, Amirah started nestling into me. Completely surprising me as she scooted up on my lap and just settled against me.
There was nothing I could do about the erection. Nothing I could think of to release the pressure or the instant tension that was evolving. This time it wasn’t some alcohol induced ‘accident’, this was intentional and an invitation for something I wasn’t even ready for. As she saw my mind start into that square mode, she looked at me briefly before engaging her lips against mine.
“You O.K.?” she wondered out loud.
There was no more room for talk between us. This needed to happen right now as I slowly moved my hands under her t-shirt and up her back. Unexpectedly we were both waiting on the other one to stop this from happening. Given that we were both enjoying the circumstance, there was no need to do anything differently. Clothes started coming off one piece at a time. Locked into each other’s eyes periodically as if we were already lovers in the midst of reconciliation of some argument. There was an immediate rush as I literally picked Amirah up and placed her onto the couch.
I became engulfed in her body, wanting to enter her as soon as possible without missing the opportunity to worship her soul. Inquisitively, I searched her to find every sensitivity to exploit. I wanted every bit of her. If this was going to happen, it was only going to happen once, so this memory needed to last perpetually. Grasping and massaging every part of her body I could touch, awaiting physical and orator reactions. I mapped Amirah’s body to connect with her inner being.
“Are you sure?” I asked before going inside of her.
Amirah grabbed onto me and pulled me into her. There was nothing more powerful than that moment in time. We were both exhaling every frustration we had experienced all week. It didn’t even occur to me that Aaliyah existed, or that Amirah and Aaliyah would be wearing matching clothes that I was supposed to drop off for their community service project in the morning. We were both locked into every pulsating move, daring each other not to finish too soon.
Even after, there was no rush for an escape. There was no urgency to go home, as Aaliyah knew exactly where I was. Although we still sat in the dark, there was no need to hide a single thing. Before she climbed onto me for a second time, she promised that we would never do this again. But neither of us chose to believe in that lie. I was thankful, that regardless of what we had just learned experience, we found a way to make it work whenever we needed that extra boost of spirituality. That spirit of being refreshed only came from being inside of her. It just became normal Square Biz.
Sy Bryant 