Got so many demons
Of shit
About people leaving
And shit
When people stay around
I’m out the shit
Only thing I’m use to
Is being alone
So when the house is full
It don’t feel like home
Feeling alone
just being me
People in my life
Stay reaching out
And if I knew they’d stay
I would reach on out
Reality different for me
Keeping distance
Plain as you can see
Treat everyone
Based on the torture of the past
It’s how I’m built
This wall will last
Got me before
Ain’t happening no more
Remember our first real talk
Grand illusions of the future
Talking like this and that would happen
Spent hours just rapping
Learning, creating and growing dreams
Saw those things every night in my sleep
For some reason it never become reality
Remember how we use to do everything
Didn’t matter just took one ring
Wherever you were it was like gravity
I just needed you next to me
We went on and on for months
Didn’t always have to talk
Loved you and me in the dark.
Remember that first time
Missing you so hard after that trip
Was so hard with that first kiss
Something happened and I knew
I never ever wanted to be without you
Everyday was something new
Just cause it was with you
Remember those crazy missions
It was like complete submission
Surprised we kept our occupations
Cause we were always together
There was nothing better than TV all day
Chinese for lunch and dinner
I’d do anything for you
I can’t do it
Celebrating mediocrity
Holding onto this vain belief
I am expected to celebrate freedom
I am expected to ignore to cost
I dare not say how many lives it has cost
If I start to imagine this differently
It feels like, really deep in me
We are still paying a cost
Because I must celebrate
Each and every time
Someone with skin color like mine
Is ALLOWED to do something for the first time
I can’t do it
I see the Queens accomplishments
But historically we know
It doesn’t mean the door is really open
It doesn’t mean they let her all the way in
It means they opened it just enough
Just enough for her to squeak in
As soon as she was in
That door was shut
Lights turned onto the highest lumens
To pick apart every single fault
As she checked and double checked
Preventing any failure to be unchecked
I can’t do it
I know I am expected to
Be proud of that common phrase
From over a century ago
The first person to do X with this skin tone
The thing that is hard for me
That skin tone never stopped anyone’s ability
In reality they could always do what they did
The only thing lacking was opportunity
This weight that is really upon me
Is indirectly we are celebrating one simple fact
Celebrating a decision that someone somewhere
Decided to give this skin tone a chance
I can’t do it
I want to celebrate progress
I want to see life for what it is meant to be
The most honorable gentleman said
We should be judged by the content of our character
He was eluding to the sheer possibility
That the skin we wear doesn’t define anything
You could have a dark hue and win
You could have a light hue and always sun
The celebratory part is when no ones hue matters
And it doesn’t stop there
It’s when our thoughts are the only equity
How do we celebrate that victory?
Love matters
On my selfish shit
Saying insensitive things
Telling me about your day
I’m telling you how it impacts me
Hear you getting frustrated
I cannot understand
Now you all silent
Give me another chance
Let me listen to what you have to say
Texting you, constantly, no response
Calling you, voicemail, don’t hear a thing
See you’re online, your status got that green thing
It’s been like 24 hours since we talked
First time it’s been so long
Since we first met
Not sure what to do next
Hoping in the car need to find you
Need to figure out what’s going on
You responding like this is the finale
Those words entered me
Constricted my heart
So much pain… hating myself intensely
Love matters
Days and days feel like that past me
But you told me
You needed silence
I could barely speak
Words lost in this mood
Couldn’t work
Couldn’t move
Then out of nowhere
Got that text
You still mad at me
Feeling some type of way
But you still accepted
My love is here to stay
I am here
Right here for you
Don’t you know
Whether it’s a second
Or a lifetime
I love you
Love matters
All it takes is a second
And were disconnected
That energy just stops
Everything on mute
First I thought it was me
What happened to that frequency?
Tryna not be affected
Just know we’re disconnected
Looking at you like a shell
Physically you are there
Mentally just cannot see
Did we lose that frequency?
Looking in the mirror
Trying to find the change in me
Something I’m missing
Stuck in this misery
Lost in shear futility
I cannot feel our frequency.
Pronounced as radar
Sunshine or stormy weather
Always reconcile with each other
Discontent planted in fertile hearts
Nothing left but the agony
Missing our frequency.
She is my sister
If you could only comprehend
Wait give me a minute, help you understand
Bond strong enough to pull dreams through atmospheres
Wait, listen here,
I’m saying bond guaranteed like death is to life
I’m saying I can depend on my kids life
Without strife
She’s my sister.
She is my sister
Don’t think this on some sensitive thing
You do her wrong, have your family in the church doing that old negro spiritual song
She call, On the first ring I’m answering
She text, I respond instantaneously
There is no hesitation no wavering
She speaks to me on that maturity thing
A constant reminder to maintain that responsibility thing
She’s on the “alright now…”
like abracadabra my whole disposition change
She’s my sister
She is my sister
Can’t tell you, since she moved from philly,
How much I miss her
Only the speed of sound away,
But there’s something to having your sister that speed of light away
Now we bond through exercising, she running, I’m cycling.
Quick likes to know we still persevering
Now we speak through stanza and prose
She the only one that can inspire me on that deeper lyric.
She is my sister.
Love is a verb
An action word
It don’t gotta be physical
For it to be real
If I could
Wash away every memory
All that pain you feel
Wishing I was wizard
Just cast a spell
Speak something new
Into this existence
Just so you knew
This love is persistent
Love is a verb
An action word
It don’t gotta be about intimacy
We Don’t gotta lie
Just enjoying company
Feeding this desire
But we connected
Constantly building
Feeling your words
Inspires me
Just from being in your proximity
Just invigorates me
Energized by your energy
Love is a verb
An action word
So I read every word
Digest it instantly
Transcribe it
Do anything respectfully
Encouraging you
Believing in you
Admiring your smile
Even with the things
You are trying to achieve
If I could write you a letter
It would start I love you
Love is a verb
An action word
Sending you emojis
Reminding you
As simply as possible
You are not alone
Tell me whatever
Lips stay sealed
Listening to everything
Whatever it is
That you need to say
And even if you can’t say it
Let that silence lead the way
Love is a verb
An action word
Seeing the future
Already seen it hundreds of times
Even still when it materializes
I’m the first in line
Just the pride I’ll have
That smile you’ll have
Sitting in that TV studio
Endlessly promoting things
Seeing the best in you
On Display
Loving You
Can you love the same song
Even if you heard it
A million times
Could you hear it a million more
Could you still smile
At the best part
Could feel it in your heart
Can you love without end
Every memory with a meaning
Holding it tightly
In the midst of the everything
Knowing in the end
Love will always win
From start to finish and over again
Can you love in the darkest of night
Alone on a lonely night
Far from a warm embrace
Nowhere near love
Nothing in its place
Heaviest of hearts
Desperate of hope
Can you love every day
Regardless of reality
Can you believe in this fantasy
Holding onto every possibility
Can you see every potential
Will you grant every opportunity
For me to love continually
YOU LEFT ME DAD.
As an toddler you never gave me a chance to say Da-Da, but I said Ma-Ma.
You never were there when I fell to tell me that I don’t need to cry, but mom was.
I realize man is opposite woman, but is mother the opposite of father?
Everything mom does, dad does not?
Every day my mom was there to give love, my dad was not.
WHERE WERE YOU………..?
Now I am a man, a father.
I’m making money and you’re not.
Now you need me, but I no longer need you.
You lost your life and mine has just began.
You are now asking for my love.
My reply is “No”.
I’m the bastard, but you’re going to be treated like one.
Speak the words
Like you know me
Remind me of who I am
Especially those solemn days
That anticipation of death
That keeps me lonely
Allow me to let go of everything
Except this Talisman
Recite it clearly
The words that are etched in
Their intent pure of innate ability
Suggesting momentarily
I am more than what I am feeling
I sigh in the deepest relief
Although I can recite the words
I am not whole without this Talisman
Meditating abruptly
Arms no longer reaching to the heavens
Strength lacking in every breath
Everyone amplifying you are now in heaven
Yet I’m left here wondering
Under the sounds of the thundering
Rain hiding my emotion
Losing faith in this Talisman
Listening to sounds never uttered
You are just stories
Past down to me hereditarily
And I am meant to believe fully
I dare not question not a single belief
Enduring every mental illness while you forever sleep
Praying for an eternity
Through this Talisman
Hearing moments of peace
Everyone else down on their knees
Reading the same words
That I am meant to believe
As if each word would restore you
As if words would resuscitate you
Contemplating living without you
Laying this Talisman next to you
Disappointed in resentment
Unforeseen fulfillment
Understanding the resilience
Unequivocally connected to resistance
Progressing through darkness
Trudging past the loneliness
Creeping around uncertainty
What’s left of me?
Envisioning upward awakenings
Aggravated into unfamiliar feelings
Resurrection of derivative viewings
Starting to think something new
Initiating a different point of view
Second guessing it’s you
Unraveling this mystery
What’s left of me?
Invoking this opening scene
Believing in the unknown things
Prayerfully accepting the unseen
Earth shaking the life outta me
Waves changing how I breathe
Thrust of windfall controlling my fall
Appreciation for something I can see
What’s left for me?
Sun shinning 360
World spinning feverishly
If I could get off
Where would I be
Fear got a hold of me
Devastated remembering the past
Shattered in how long it’ll last
Lost in life definitely
What’s left for me?
I lost you
I mean I lost me
What I am trying to say
Is there are times
When I can barely speak
When the world is yelling
There are people demanding
My only respite
When Pens Speak
When Pens Speak
No thought is hidden
Emptying my mind
Every drop of ink sublime
Even when I artificial create beauty
And I am left typing
Every word holding onto me
Loosen me to be at peace
It’s like I lose track of time
Because there is something I cannot describe
But if you let me just try
I am holding this plastic cylinder
Just one thumb pressing down
And I am immediately transcended
And now I am trying to articulate words
Some that I barely know
But it helps with the flow
When Pens Speak
When Pens Speak
Its always an easy evening
Even if I am out of every bit of energy
The alarm doesn’t need to call upon me
It is that law of attraction that brings me in
I know my pen is not enough
I become a fiend for that energy
To hear those words that can only be spoken
Reading it would not do it justice
When Pens Speak
Deleted every picture
All those text messages
Not a single post is left
Every single sign of evidence
Got rid of it all
Final phone call
The way it’s meant to be
Nothing else in this for me.
Don’t want no proof of this
Nothing else will exist
The future now written
Every lesson forgotten
Slowly came to realize
Better off in disguise
Life is full of deceit
You showed them all to me
Letting it go
Like it never happened
Slowly consumed
Just what I imagined
Creating a fake world
I need to get through this
Have to get through this
Cause there’s nothing left for me
Gave you everything that I had
Every single tear I had left
Walking away happy
Cause I gave all I had left
Time for something new
Relaxing calm of a new day
Proportionality spending time on me
All I have left is me
Feeling like
I’ve been pulled together
Randomly
The father and mother are clear
But he was never here
Now I think back unraveling
Each layer of me that I see
Seeing every man
That somehow made
An impression on me
Learned love at a very early age
Remembering those hugs
You loved me like I
Never made a single mistake
For whatever reason
You only came around on holidays
Only found out your hidden identity
When AIDS took you away
Learned how to manifest anger
It was routinely on display
Cannot remember my age
But I knew it was in second grade
It reminds me
Of one of those superhero characters
You won’t like me when I’m angry
Because in hindsight
I cannot fathom what
A classroom of 2nd graders
Could ever do
To make you break a chalkboard
But I learned to hold shit in
And when my seeds messed up
I let it explode again and again
Learned how to ride or die
Nothing special
It was just the look in your eyes
Revenge is a bitter pill
Sometimes you get so deep in it
There’s no way out of it
That’s why you need
To have heat with you
Because badge or not
No one wants to get shot
Always stay ready
With a plan to enter
A plan to escape
But if you get stuck
Shut the fuck up
Let the lawyer plead your case
Learned how to just cut ties
Give it your all
Until you bust
Then walk away
With no hesitancy
Nothing means everything
Even though I was your seed
The gravity of you leaving
Helped me leave everything
Learned a lot of things randomly
Watching life’s sermons
While people speaking eloquently
Seeing every addiction
Removed every narcotic curiosity
Regardless of the need to escape
When that high wore off
There is nowhere left to escape
And the reality of who you are
That is all that’s left
Accepting who you really are
Until your final last breath
Learned by watching more than hearing
Seeing you fix things
Instead of using yellow pages
Seeing the logic
Was no internet on site
Laying tiles without a single mistake
Hanging Sheetrock with one hand
Hammer it in with the other hand
Realizing desire more important
Than impossibility
When you want something done
Waiting on someone ain’t always
In your reach
Pieced together
Feeling like those old scarecrows
Resembling something real
But in reality
Just the manifestation
Of different realities
And none of them fit together
Always challenged for them to
Work together
Even if all those influencers
Were in the same room
They wouldn’t like each other
Yet I’m perpetuating their ideals
Stuck not knowing how to feel
Unwilling to let them go
Selfishly it’s all I know
Unknowingly
Entered into a different state of mind
What if your words were true
And life would be worse
Knowing and loving you
And everything
And everybody
That I hold close to me
Wouldn’t even know me
Desperately grasping
At every possible timeline
Not sure which one is mine
Unknowingly
Gladly provide forgiveness
Speak though all the treachery
The reality knows me differently
Holding onto emptiness
Fostering hateful thoughts
Just to unleash them willingly
To any hateful human being
Transposing everything about you
Literally to them
There will be no remorse
Not even hesitation of thought
Unknowingly
Provide you control
It was amplified
By every single being
Promising beliefs I needed
Gullible the first time
Open minded to a cure
I know your name
But I will never say it
My seeds will never know you
Not having you abandoned them
Like I know you would do
Unknowingly
Persevering every opportunity
End the cycle of a father leaving
The men in my paternal lineage
Just did it so routinely
Dropping seeds quickly
Stay around long enough
Just in time to germinate
Never see the fruit of the labor
Never know if I’m really of you
I don’t even know you
Saying things that I do not mean
Cause I’m just tryna be mean
Speaking out relentlessly
If nothing else, helps me to be seen
Saying things just to say it
It’s the easiest way to get out of it
Talking endlessly about nothingness
Reflection of each part of my pettiness
Saying things out of frustration
Thinking about it causing hesitation
Not saying what’s really real
Just saying how I think I feel
Saying things in the moment
Hoping please pardons my movements
Knowing that things are suspicious
Remaining just as ambitious
Saying things so randomly
Almost got me caught cir·cum·spec·tive·ly
The impossibility evolved effortlessly
Recognizing life changes constantly
Saying things out of place
Lost in time and space
Thought way too deeply about this life
Accepting I’m not really about this life
Ever felt like everything you believed was a lie
It’s like you realize in hindsight
Nothing was real, not even reality.
Now the reality that you see ain’t what you expected it to be.
Ever thought what if I changed that one decision in my life.
It’s like you associate your entire existence to one moment in time.
But that time is long gone and so now all you try to do is hold on.
Ever believed there is something better in this world.
Something inspiring, something serene, something that makes this insane world livable.
Something to wake up for. There just has to be more.
Ever thought about the future. And realized everything in your future doesn’t exist in your present. Ever realize that you just created another fantasy instead of living today.
There is no feeling greater
Being in your corner
Whether the day is sunny
Or the weather is devastating
something special in this
Just trying to be there for you
If you need it, listening to you
During the storm, shelter for you
Anything I can do
Cause I’m excited for you
You telling me your dreams
I see them as reality
You sharing your thoughts
I already bought you everything
You low on energy
I’m picking you up for the get up
You feeling anxious
I’m loving you with patience
You just relaxing
I’m out of your way
Baby enjoy your day
Excited for you
Excited for you
Just to be there
Excited for you
Seeing your success
Excited for you
Whatever you need
I got you
Excited for you
Sitting here waiting for you
It’s your first interview
Dress to the Ts, shoes too
Gliding down the steps
It’s pure elegance
Cautiously optimistic
I believing you are ballistic
Everything prepared
Dressed for success
Nothing left
But to master this day.
The day is done
And I’m smiling brightly
Do you know
How proud you made me
Life giving you
The insurmountable
With all that God has giving you
You are more than able
Life flashing through
Day by day
Pushing each other along the way
Living vicariously through you
I’m So proud of the things you do
Living, loving, dreaming about you
I’m so excited for you.
Excited for you
Just to be there
Excited for you
Seeing your success
Excited for you
Whatever you need
I got you
Excited for you
So long a part of me, that now I find energy from misery.
It’s a daily affirmation making and checking the gates and walls keeping that hidden pain hidden.
Muscle memory is stronger, I can fight not much longer.
People impressed at the rudimentary shit I do cause they don’t know I’m never letting go.
Brick and mortar use to be torture as I had to modify techniques to remain unique,
so common enemies could go right past without a thought of the hidden vulture.
Death constantly looming,
watching my moves wondering why I spent so many hours protecting mental heirlooms.
Death didn’t know I’m never letting go.
People keep mentioning this place that’s free.
Speaking of earth like it’s really heaven if I could only see.
Each day that triumph and disaster I see completely changing destinies.
Wondering where is their fortress,
where is their shield how can they exist not knowing how to manage life’s unexpected tendencies.
What would they be if they really knew that I’m never letting go.
The past is the only teacher we have.
There is an illusion that there is good and bad.
The response to that which is gone is the changing fad.
A culture of social dictatorship enforcing how you must feel and what you must do.
But what if, the answer is just in you.
Picking and choosing what to include and exclude is not the solution, the mastery of managing the response is the revolution.
Letting Go.
Intently listening
Your voice so soothing
Swear to god it moves me
Got to admit
It improves me
You bent over
I could see that thong
Through your dress
I was done
Fuck the conversations
Where is the reconciliation
Telling me what you need
Let me be clear
I’m everything you described
To the last word
The whole damn year
It’s just a matter of time
Before it’s real
Just be patient
So we can make this real
Thoughts become real
You glad we’re friends
I hear that
Me happy In this friend zone
Picture that
I am absolutely friendly
But I can no longer pretend
That we are just friends
I love you
Can’t understand
Can’t you feel this
Everything about you
Get closer to you
Plotting to get you
Gotta Have you
Cause I love you
I love you
The bottomless pit
That envy
Consuming mortality
Focused externally
Believing
I’m not who I claim to be
Claiming another’s destiny
Plotting over time
Darkness will shine
Expecting insanity
Repeatedly executing
Repetitiously anticipation
As if a different outcome
Will finally come
Unchanged methodology
The answer, unequivocally
Cannot be me
Darkness will shine
Preparation for abundance
Creating repositories
Futuristic inventories
Organized scheming
Suit and tie conspiracies
Eliminated electronic trails
Buried evidence
Resurrected above the skyline
Darkness will shine
Deeply contemplating this
Post mortuary visits
Explaining all the details
Limitations of statutes
Impermeable to virtues
Accepting final peace
Disclosing missed mistakes
You never knew it was me
Darkness will shine
Filling voids. Feeling voids. Not trying to make you annoyed. Wanna make you feel complete. Need to make sure when you leave the house you got shined shoes on your feet. You are everything I need to make life work. But I still can see through your hurt. So I’m here, right now, to let you know, you ain’t alone no more….
I feel your void, and I’m here.
I’ll fill that void, when ya near
Don’t you worry… no, don’t do that anymore
I’ll be here for you forever more.
Filling time. Feeling time. Its just ticking away. It just ticks through everyday. Each day I feel closer, but the distance the same. Sometimes my heart feels the pain. Time doesn’t feel like it’s on my side, cause it has never put you by my side. So I’m here right now to let you know, you ain’t gotta worry no more…
I feel your void, and I’m here.
I’ll fill that void, when ya near
Don’t you worry… no, don’t do that anymore
I’ll be here for you forever more.
Filling space. Feeling space. Walking around my new place. Tryna tell you something right, I’m blessed, but I’m hurt cause I know I won’t see you tonight. Everything is right in its place, but I need you to come share this place. My heart is open, babe can’t you feel me… I want you right here next to me. So I’m here right now to let you know, you ain’t alone….
I feel your void, and I’m here.
I’ll fill that void, when ya near
Don’t you worry… no, don’t do that anymore
I’ll be here for you forever more.
Filling this. Feeling this. Let me let your feel this. I’m telling you, you about to be shook. Brazen coco I can get you hooked. You hesitating, but I’m ready. Seeing you in that purple teddy. We are made for this. Don’t be scared of this. This is that love that you’ve thought about. Let me fill every void, until you feel this void.
Recognized it quickly
Early on in childhood
Ninety houses on one street
I was one of the few
Where it was just
My mom and me
It was clearly recognized
Just a different energy
Things that
Were significant for us
The relationship was based on trust
The mom had to provide
Meaning I saw her sporadically
When she was home
She was tired
From all the sacrifices for me
She would absolutely be there
For all those trivial things
From the first house to the last
Families upon families
We enjoyed our youth profusely
Individually everyone had their issues
But when we were together
We had no issues
But everything was different for me
Because in our crew
I was the one that had the curfew
The individual with the single parent home
Most of the day no one was home
No one to even get peace from
Dude was never there
It was just the challenge
I’m the only one that says “dad”
But when I say it
It has no meaning
No one responds
The air swallows it up
No one gives a fuck
That’s when the promise started
I never wanted to be that dude
Eventually I started labeling others
Calling them dad because I had none
Camp counselors, teachers
Any man I gave a crown to
Always had men in my family
But they weren’t always around
And every man with the same belief
He’ll be okay eventually
He’s mom can do more than me
Signs were evident
something was wrong in me
But not those normal
Red flags you see
I wasn’t in jail
Went to every class
Did exceptionally well
Teachers viewed me well
Mom provided everything
Supporting both of us
But now that festering of pain
Always feels like it will erupt
So accustomed to this feeling
Dare not disturb the feeling
Just keep ignoring the signs
Let them pass with time
Too much transgressed, for things to be the same
I feel this pit of emotion when someone brings up your name. There was a time when that thin line was never close to hate…. Now the strife consumes my life. I need to be free
Loves initiation blinded me to everything that was real. Dealing in future memories of things never meant to be. Always unclear why the present was never aligned. All those plans we discussed, the dreams we outlined … now the days of ol are just old. I need to be free
Each time we go around the sun, we are never the same. Hundreds of days just being a slave to the winds of change. Seeing things through so many lenses, it’s never clear, too many distractions and fake heirs. I need to be free.
After the long haul. The enduring tick of time has me beat. The everlasting tock has me on my knees, praying for salvation from unrealistic realities of the nothing that will ever be. I need to be free.
Every day is a blessing and a curse
I remember every single thing
Literally like it was yesterday
Details and feelings
Visions and meaning
If you asked me
Very specifically
What I wore yesterday
I couldn’t answer you
Because everything of the past
Is not within my view
But I remember when
I felt every smile
I felt every annoyance
I felt every pain
I remember when
Every experience is a triumph and a disaster
It isn’t really clear what I’m after
The earth showing me the same thing
Day after day spinning in the same axis
Weather changes but everything is the same
Reliving life repeatedly
Wondering when that change
That new life
When will it happen for me
But I remember when
When every adult told me
Anything I wanted could be mine
I felt every pride
I felt every faith
I felt every deceit
I remember when
Every thought is life and death
Anticipating every possibility
Analyzing imagined life
As if life was actually occurring for me
Providing the illusion of ease
It’s more like I’ve already prepared
As if every option was possible
Already determined every next step
But I remember when
Life has more beauty
When defense wasn’t the best offense
Life used to be something to me
I felt every deadly sin
I felt every eternity
I felt every circumstance
I remember when
Every being is Life and Death
One assumes the other
Until one consumes the other
Regardless of magic
Irrespective of prayer or hope
The fate we all reach is equivalent
I remember when
Everything we wanted to believe
It all had to be permanent
Even when our own existence
It is just but a dream
The next generation was the truth
I felt every doubt
I felt every love
I felt God
I remember when
I mean
Look at all I have done
You stay on my ass
But won’t let me pass
And I am wondering
What is it?
What is it that you don’t like?
Every time I do anything
You scrunching up your face
Like I made a mistake
Just give me that credit
That shit I deserve
I don’t need another word
I mean
I see the shit you do
And I’m looking at it
Like, is that the best you can do
Maybe that’s why
You still in my business
Looking at what I’m doing
Instead of handling you business
What keeps you staring at me?
I would give you credit
If I could
But your shit looks awful
Doubt if I ever would
I mean
Is it jealousy
Do you have a burning desire
To be able to do
All the things that I can do
Is it that deadly sin
Thinking if you destroy me
You would be able to replace me
You are nothing like me
You standing there claiming
If you just had more time
I’m not wasted a dime of credit
You ain’t shit, I said it.
I mean
There are six more sins you could pursue
You keep on that pride shit
Mentally I’m aligned with charity
But you are beyond help
All of that gluttony
If you just had the courage
To humbly have a bit of faith
Maybe it would be possible
For that greed dwelling inside you
Maybe it could find a different place
I will give you credit for one thing
You are not anything I want to be
I don’t know how to express to you.
How powerful I feel with you.
Some days I just need you close.
You are everything that is beautiful.
Without that beauty.
This world is no fucking dark.
Sometimes I need to focus on love.
Versus objectives and deliverables.
I only have lovely days with you.
Just in case you didn’t know, I Love You.
Just in case I haven’t said it, I Thank You.
I remember every tear I caused.
From when I asked you that first question.
You said yes with a tear.
From when I asked for forgiveness.
You said yes with a tear.
Each day since I focus on you
I only have lovely days with you.
I intentionally avoid every moment.
Any opportunity to take you for granted.
Even in the midst of the world.
You are the heart of the world.
Breathing every bit of energy.
Filling my entire soul completely.
Thought about a moment without you.
Lost every perspective without you.
I only have lovely days with you.
Need your spirit close to me.
Even if I cannot see you.
I can somehow sense you.
This connection created in a Godly way
Strengthen in seeds we nurture every day.
Keeping faith on the worst days.
Celebrating the best days.
If only one wish could come true.
I only have lovely days with you.
It wasn’t until that day I knew
I fucked up
And the world reminded me
Momentarily
Paralyzed in hysteria
Seeing my baby girl
I needed to atone
For every single thing
I did wrong
Begging for forgiveness.
It wasn’t until I recognized
Every foul word
And even pleasant words
I would use them without meaning
Just to temporarily
Create a scenario
I always pretended
It was for a meaning
But mirrors only tell the truth
Begging for forgiveness.
It wasn’t until I looked
Into my own eyes
Yet I stood there surprised
Raised harshly so lovingly
Three women formed me
Although there was testosterone
Those genes never formed
Not a single positive thought
Only doing what I was taught
Begging for forgiveness.
It wasn’t until I heard
Don’t worry about it
It was ok
That I knew it wasn’t ok
Not a single one of them forgot
Each loving word
The illusion I created from nothingness
I was that knight in amour
That African prince
Begging for forgiveness.
It wasn’t until I remembered
The sins of the past will last
My seeds will be perpetuators and victims
From the previous seeds I planted
Yet I don’t know for certainty
If they have other siblings
Although I never tried to disappear
Before that time of the month
Indicating everything was clear
Begging for forgiveness.
It wasn’t until the world stood still
And I held my baby girl
I wanted so much to smile
Looking at what was mine
But I had to cry
Knowing what was mine
Each pain I caused
I pray your vengeance on me
Not this precious baby I see
Begging for forgiveness.
Feeling the pressure
Wanting something differently
That is what you are claiming
But you knew me from the beginning
Remember when
Every day had time for me
Every meal, you would always offer me
Every night, filled with peace and love
Everything I wanted
Nothing was off limits
You created this monster
This being
This inner sensation of expectation
Yeah I’m spoiled
But you set this expectation
The Expectation
It is like it always was
You know you ask for things
I purposely forget those things
You constantly trying to replace
That hierarchy that exist between us
You suggesting it’s your turn
As if you invested and invested
Now you are trying to claim the ROI
But I have to let you know
That’s not how this is going to go
Just because you spoil me
That has nothing to do with
How I treat you
I treat you
Like I always have
You come to me when you need a laugh
You come to me when you need an ear
You come to me when you fear
You come to me when the world is over
You come to me just to make me move over
You come to me just for a hi
You come to me just because
You come to me when you need a hug
I thought it was all you needed
I don’t want what you need
But apparently you want to be spoiled like me
Sometimes
Just sitting here
Just writing it all out
All the things I should say
Everything that I was suppose to say
Just end up here
Right here
Just to get it out
Sometimes
Emotion captures
Frustration turns into anger
Anger gets trapped into complacency
And just in that moment
Losing all my sanity
Differences eluding me
So I am stuck being me
Sometimes
Reminiscing about this
Missing something dismissed
Wondering about uncertainty’s privilege
Stipulation of inevitable changes
Waiting for the next evolution
Rotation of the earth
Endless revolutions
Sometimes
The stars see me
Looking a bit desperately
Endlessly striving toward possibilities
Lingering in this crazy mystery
Lord please bless me
Trying so hard
Please hear me
Forgiveness?
I heard about you
People stay talking about you
Telling me I need to meet you
Somehow I need to get to know you
They kept saying I need some time with you
Telling me how nice you are
Speaking as if we ever met
The world would be so different
The crazy part
They never tell me how you look
Only describing emotion intelligent things
As if those things have meaning
Expecting me to show a sign of softness
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness?
Let me tell you like this
I know how to treat people
And if you want to be
One of those people
Just know
I will tell you
Like I told them
Everything is everything
We can even pretend to be friends
But if you dare cross me in anyway
You better watch for what’s coming your way
I will cut you off with the quickness
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness?
You keep asking me these questions
Knowing you really don’t want to know the answer
I know I’m alone, but that doesn’t mean I’m lonely
It is absolutely intentional
Based on how people treat me
I know every time I see you
You looking at me because I’m solo
But at least if I am the only one here
I will already know
How everything is about to go
I’m telling you I am good
From sun up to sun down
I do not need you in my business
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness?
When the night becomes clear
That is the part that is anchored in fear
Would I be as strong as I claim to be
If everyone that did anything
I allowed to continually hurt me
How am I missing out on life?
You know how this thing go
You meet them
You trust them
They take you for granted
They take your last bit of trust
Now they look real different
That is why I am suspicious.
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
I get what you saying
Because I have yet to let go
From each and every hurt and pain
Right now
That is all I know
I know how to be hurt
I know how to manage pain
And now, somehow
I am creating the exact scenario
That I claim to be letting go
I am my worst enemy
Counting nights minutes
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness
I see you
I remember I saw you a while back
When I turned away
When they stabbed me in the back
I walked right past you
I just didn’t know it was you
I just thought as long as I keep this wall up
I would always be strong enough
Now this same wall grown so tall
I cannot see anything
Not a single joy or smile
Please accept my apology
Please forgive me.
Experiencing things Differently
As if different choices were made
Imaging the differences as reality
Now I’m stuck on this fantasy
What if’s. And If that’s….
None of it means a thing
In reality it’s not better or worse
It’s just a different path to the same thing
Going deep into the emotion of different things
Plotting out new courses with a different ring
The difference of this emotion is only
That I’m trying to make it different
Like trying to only carve out the best
Like this fantasy wont let me rest
Repeating my past with different decisions
Precisely laid out like an incision
It’s just a different way but the same pain
Looking at money differently
Don’t need different banks to exchange pennies
I am the hedge fund, creating wealth differently
Money watching money make money
Different life sure to be
That different life, different expenses surely
And in an instant still broke as could be
But at least I made the money differently
Pain is soothed by different thoughts
As if I weren’t in control the first time around
The different things I would have done
If and only if I knew what I know now
Same intelligence doesn’t lead to a different result
This is the life I have, I could start living or be lost
Focusing on where I am
versus where I thought I should be
The only difference, is the difference I am imagining.
Sy Bryant 