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Being a Co-Survivor…My Commitment & Calling. Our Cancer Survivor & Co-survivor Story.

Sometimes, I just get inspiration from other peoples’ walk in life….

I look at you surreally
Unable to put into words
Every emotion that is colliding
I want to scream out
But I know that isn’t what you need
You need me to reflect calm and peace
An unwavering belief
But I am just stuck thinking
Why you?

I look at you in awe
Because from the very first day
You were my everything
The one I looked up to
You guided me reverently
You are my superhero
Everything I learned, it was from you
So I am sat here thinking
Why you?

I look at you with amazement
Yet I am listening to your tone
Hearing the pain in your voice
The acceptance of God’s grace
I already know and believe
There is nothing to fear
Because we are saved
Yet I cannot find the clue
Why you?

I look at you with pride
Because I know everything
Everything, you’ve been through
And I love you unconditionally
Regardless of what you do
You have been my biggest fan
Now let me celebrate you
I will be here no matter what
Why you?

I look at you with a tear
Watching you dance down that hall
Strutting everything you have
Ringing that victorious bell
Sounding every sound
That God will protect us all
You are my inspiration
You are my beacon of hope
I thank God for you!

If I could do it over again
I’d do the same thing I just did
Because the alternative
Would just end this
If I would have just ignored it
I wouldn’t even be here
Wouldn’t even complain
About my lost hair

If I could do it over again
Every painful step I would take
Because each step I took
Someone saw me
If they had a bit a fear
I am hopeful it went away
Just seeing me take that one step
Perhaps I led the way

If I could do it again
I would pray the same prayers
Talk to the same people
Even cry the same tears
It wasn’t what I expected
Some days I even smiled
Some times were far worse
Felt like a fantasy or even a curse

No matter what I had to go through
Regardless of every single fear
I am still standing here
I am proudly standing here
Finally free of the misery
There is nothing that can stop me
Completed everything asked of me
I am so proud of me

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I remember that last day
I was excited to go to treatment
Never before even wanted to go
But I knew I had to go
This was the only time
I even stayed awake
Didn’t want to miss that final day
First day of forever

Nothing else to do
No reason to come here again
Keep your poison to yourself
I kindly thank you immensely
You’ve been really kind
But I don’t believe you are my friend
Smiling and injecting simultaneously
First day of forever

Leaving for the last time
That bell will ring so loudly
I am about to start screaming
This feeling filling voids in me
This last bit of this
I can barely feel any of it
Can you feel this excitement
First day of forever

Never heard something so serene
That melody speaking to me
That clapper sounding precisely
Informing each and every person
I stand here proudly
Letting every other patient know
They don’t have too much further to go
First day of forever

Don’t even know what to say
Everyone and everything that helped me
Loving everyone and everything
Walking out the glass revolving door
Knowing everyone can feel this energy
Posting everything on social media
I need everyone to see
First day of forever

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Seeing it so many times
And now it is my time
At first I was worried
That I would be to loud
But now I am just
Too excited to contain anything
I have to Ring This Bell
Show every bit of my power
Let everyone hear
That I am still here

I remembering back to the first time
When I was still curious of its meaning
Even seen pictures and videos
People’s ceremonious endings
Really didn’t get it
Why did they Ring This Bell
Then one day I heard that sound
I saw that emotion ring so loud
Showed me how to hold on
With nothing left but the will to hold on

Now every time I am hear that sound
That one indication that they are done
Nothing sounds so beautiful
Then that clapper clapping
The sound just resonating
Than that release of pure emotion
That outpouring of emotion
Finally can see
Nothing else weighing on me
Ring This Bell
Now I am free

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I am glad I am here
Since that first day
I have been waiting
Impatiently anticipating
Expecting a sense of Peace
Something different
To be invoked inside of me
No more surgeries
No more chemotherapy
There is nothing else to say
Smiling through it
This is my last day

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Tomorrow is all that’s left
I did it
I gave my best
I cannot even sleep through this
Not even sure
What it is
What will I do when it’s all said and done
Where else will I go
With all those hours
All that time
Sitting in this chair
Slowly accepting Adriamycin
Just one more day

Trying my best to hydrate
Knowing I need to drink more
That medication and H2O
Together they create this solution
Even if we are so far away
Feeling like light years away
From an actual cure
Sitting here thinking
What am I missing
Hours and hours
Just sitting there waiting
Waiting, waiting, waiting
Just one more day

Cannot help to think back
Hating to remember the date
When I found out my fate
Everything changed instantly
Not physically just stereotypically
People looking at me differently
Talking to me softer
As if this cancer infected my hearing
Talking to me gently
As if everything now hurts my feelings
Wishing things would be like they were
Just one more day

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If I didn’t have love
What would I have
It has carried me through this
Without it
How would I even get through this
Every single call
Each text message spoke to me
Thank you for loving me
Loving everything about this feeling

In the midst of the struggle
There is something to having you here
Sitting right here
Through every single opportunity
You always stayed with me
Given me all that you have
Even when I was on my last
I thank God for this thing
Loving Everything

Why did it happen to me
Hard to believe this was for me
Was this always my destiny
Could I have done something different
Did I do something wrong
Is it my hereditary
Or is it just me
Doing too much of anything
Loving everything

Now that it’s here
Not really sure how to feel
I am not going to quit
Live this life to the fullest
Doing anything I possibly can
Never taking life for granite
Never again
I see things so differently now
Loving everything

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I know I’m here
But I would rather not be here
Wish I could feel the air
On where my hair use to be
If I could just ride away

I know there is more to this
And I am slowly trying to get through it
But I want no parts of this
Stuck, here to stay
If I could just ride away

People telling me
This is only temporary
Hair grows back
Life wont return to the old way
If I could just ride away

Not feeling as I should
Wanting to believe differently
Needing this to end quickly
What else do I say
If I could just ride away

Hope is a fleeting feeling
Mentally I understand it
But reality weighs on me
Hoping for another day
If I could just ride away

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Thank you for this community
Every supportive word
It stays with me
When I need it the most
Sinking into the depths of me
Showing me I deserve the most

Thank you for this community
Whenever I was done
You was right there for me
Every time I checked in briefly
All those emojis showed up clearly
Motivated me internally

Thank you for this community
Keeping me moving
Even when I wanted to stop
You prevented me from losing me
Encouraging my resilience
Demanding my persistence

Thank you for this community
You would check on me
Just showing love to my family
I will never forget this
For as long as I live
Love is this community

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Struggling to understand
How can you fight relentlessly one day
And not be here the next
Doing every single thing
That every single doctor said to do
Yet for some reason
It didn’t help you

I am hurting for your children
Hoping somehow in some way
Our entire community
We will all be here
To help them learn and grow
Just imaging those key days you’ll miss
That’s why these tears are upon me

I watched you encourage me
Witnessed you encourage others
Social media has all of your evidence
That you were a great soldier
Plotting out a way for all of us
You were that beacon of hope
Just never thought you would leave us

Struggling to digest
What is actually left
I want to believe in all the positive things
I want to know there is more
There has to be more than this pain
There must be a better place to sing
She got her wings

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Although I spoke to a lot of people
I wasn’t expecting any of this
Things that I took for granite
Having energy to stay up all day
Nothing left but Hope

The doctors tell me I am doing well
The reality is, feel like hell
Every single thing removed from me
Extracted and stole
Nothing left but Hope

What am I even suppose to do
Wallowing and waiting
For something new to come
Awaiting a cure for this all
Nothing left but Hope

Sitting and thinking
Thinking and Sitting
Cannot help but wonder
What am I actually missing
Nothing left but Hope

This burden is eating at me
Cannot even fathom it correctly
The world’s pressure is on me
Fighting with all I have left
Nothing left but Hope

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Dear God,
Please do everything you can do for me
I am trying everything I can
Just to make you happy
I will never give up
Going to every single appointment
Eating every bit of the right food
Please forgive me
If I didn’t please you.

Dear God,
Thank you for another day
I know you are the only way
You are my anchor in the hardest place
You are my only saving grace
Please continue to guide me
In that straight way
Filled with your spirit
Focused on your destiny

Dear God,
If I can make it through this day
If I could just feel ok
If you could grant me one more chance
Please guide the surgeons hand
Please help this medication work effectively
Please protect my healed body
I am renewed in you
Doing it all for you

Dear God,
I just need one more day
I promise to come your way
Show everyone your mercy and grace
I haven’t forgotten your mercy and grace
Gratefully feeling your mercy and grace
If I could have but one thing left
With all that I have left
I’d praise you with my final breath

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Each time I arrived here
Each time with less hair
Something is different within me
I know I am still me
But there is something different about me

Each time I open my eyes
Each time I am a bit surprised
Something is different within me
Believing in the future me
There is a destiny just for me

Each time I try to move
Something is different within me
The energy isn’t the same
Residual effects of that Red Devil
Never will be the same

Each time I think I know
The thought somehow escapes
Cannot remember what I was thinking
Trying to jog my memory
Something is different within me

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I know this wasn’t the plan
When we said ‘I do’
In sickness and in faith
Comes across as a formality
Regardless of what it is
You still loved me
Still stayed right next to me
Through doctors visits
Through anything I needed
Thank You!

I know you know this
But I still need to say this
I appreciate the love and support
The patience you had
Each and every time
I was down to my last bit of energy
Yet you were still here for me
Making sure I ate what I needed
Took every pill you brought me
Thank You!

I know I don’t need to say it
But I must
Just remembering all the
“Go-For” activities
You’ve done enough miles
For multiple marathons
I didn’t always say thank you
Hopefully you already knew
I love you sincerely
Thank You!

I know me made it
Through every initial test
Comforting each other
We did our best
It wasn’t also easy
But we’ve made it last
Growing stronger
With each and every breath
We’ve done it all together
Thank You!

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The doctor calling me
It still stays in my head
Reviewing the test
Telling me we need to make sure
Suggesting we need to make decisions
I am just
Wishing for a better day

Going to the center the first time
Remembering how you greeted me
Knowing the results came back
Just as they did the first time
You looked at me optimistically
Yet I didn’t digest it deeply
Wishing for a better day

Arriving for surgery
As if it’s a normal day
Knowing when I leave the hospital
I will have less of me
Still I enter eagerly
Just wanting this to be over
Wishing for a better day

Healed and ready
Oxymoronic methodology
Readiness for Chemotherapy
As if this will solve everything
Because the surgery
Could only take parts of it away
Wishing for a better day

Now they say
There are no more visible signs
But now I have to continually
Be monitored for any signs
The lifelong quarterly infringement
Just to know I am ok
Wishing for a better day

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It seems like so long ago
I rang that bell
As soon as it was time to go
That last drop of medication in me
And now finally
I am finally free
Doing everything sincerely
Celebrating Every Year

If I could imagine this day
Right now
I am feeling like it’s my birthday
Accepting everything that happened
I have to believe it was all for a reason
And now I am enjoying things differently
Just happy to still be here
Celebrating Every Year

Knowing I was not to first
That needed to endure this struggle
I surely will not be last
But I am hopeful
Someone will learn from my path
Maybe even skip a tear
I am living proof there is a renewing
Celebrating Every Year

There is nothing more rewarding
Sharing this joyous day
Clapping and shouting with the whole community
If we could just find a cure
If we could work so tirelessly
That a cure would be revealed
Wishing I was the last patient ever
Celebrating Every Year

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I remember days of energy
I remember doing endless things
I remember feeling optimistic
I remember things so different
But in this moment
Energy Is Gone

Remembering endless summers
Remembering a warm rain
Remembering trying new things
Remembering hot meals
But right now
Energy Is Gone

Thinking about today
Thinking there has to be a way
Thinking if I just prayed a little more
Thinking what if there was more
But after it’s done
Energy Is Gone

I am thinking in this moment
I am thinking right now
I am thinking after it’s done
There will be nothing left of me
Because I have lost everything
Energy Is Gone

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It is crazy what we are even talking about
We are talking about making it easier
For that Red Devil to get into me
Saying it will be faster
Less intrusive
You keep talking
Like we are friendly
You saying this is for me
porT.Life

porT.Life
It is like suddenly
I felt every drop of medicine
Quickly being absorbed in me
Most times you think medicines take time
But intravenously it goes right into me
I am feeling a bit sleepy
Just watching the drips drop
Right into me

And we repeat this process
Every two weeks I am here
You saying hello so nicely
But it isn’t something I want to hear
Because I know after that hello
You are asking how I’m feeling
Like if how I’m feeling matters
I know what’s coming right after
porT.Life

porT.Life
Probably saved my life
Not sure I would have endured the endless needles
Hoping I had the right nurse to stick me properly
That knew my body well enough
To not dig that needle around
When no vein was found
I know I should be thankful
Let’s just say I’m grateful
porT.Life

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Went to church today
Just listening to the words that were said
Anticipating the feeling
Cause I know at some point
The Pastor’s words
Are about to touch me
I know he knows just from my face
That I am struggling
And I just need to hear a word

Went to my parents today
Shared the news with them
After the tears
We said everything that we had to say
Giving them comfort
As they are doing the same for me
Promising each other
We will be there
For each other, for an eternity

Went to visit my best friend
Received completely
The deepest constructed belief
Nothing from the tear duct was needed
Ensured under specific terms
That each surgeon would do their duty
Every nurse would protect me
Even the technicians would take the right readings
Everything preordained

Went to visit the waterfront today
Listening to musicians
As they filled the air with strings
To the rhythm of the percussion
During the brief moment of black out
Externally screamed to victory
Joyous word please fill me
God please do not forsake me

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Don’t want to be here
But there is no other way
This is what the doctor recommended
This was the best treatment option
Even after this evasive surgery
Chemo is my Therapy

It is hard to even go up this elevator
Knowing what will happen when I get there
The first time I have to sit in that chair
Promising me it will be comfortable
Cannot even anticipate what this will really be
Chemo is my Therapy

Nurses talking me through this
It will only be a few hours
That I will never get back again
Swear I could feel it enter me
Slowly drained all of my energy
Lethargically asking “Can someone help me”
Chemo is my Therapy

Periodically waking up
Asking for a cup of water
Maybe some cranberry juice
Anything to end this dryness
As if this poisonous liquid
Evaporated every liquid inside of me
Chemo is my Therapy

Pleading to end this
Last drop and then it will stop
Wanting to just stand
But there is nothing left in me
They offering wheelchairs
Rebuking this latency
Chemo is my Therapy

Grasping toward my last breath
I will stand up
I will walk on my own power
Just let me hold on briefly
Finding my balance eventually
Accepting this is only day one
Chemo is my Therapy

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I hate what it’s called
They say it so easily
Those two words
As if giving it a nickname
Will make it a lesser pain

I hate what its called
Yet they say it
As if it’s a medical term
Invoking something criminal
As it enters intravenously

That name
That phrase
How could you fathom this
Killing parts of me
Then expecting more of me

Walking in gingerly
Holding that bag so easily
Further destroying this shell of me
Hating that I am not as strong
As I use to be

Why do you do this to me
Pretend that you are helping me
Every two weeks the same thing
Pumping this red liquid purposely
Feeling it enter me

With everything I have left
I will help whoever needs it
So we can stop using this
Save me and Kill that
That Red Devil

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Believe In Me
Know that I will never give up
Know that I will do my best
I will forsake anything
That won’t allow me to do my thing
I am going to get through this
Every single bit of this

Believe In Me
Know that I am fighting every fight
And even when I need to pause
Know that it is just for a rest
I am going to do my best
Give this thing my everything
Don’t worry about a thing

Believe In Me
When I am hardest hit
When I am almost motionless
Some days will be better
While others, I’d like to forget
Do not ever give up on me
Maintain every single hope

Believe In Me
Even when you don’t believe in yourself
I just need to know
That at the very minimal of existence
I can count on your persistence
Your sheer will to be there for me
Always love me

Believe In Me
No matter what you hear
Ignore every study that you’ll read about
Know that I am in control of this
I am not going to give up on this
We all have our burdens to bear
I just need to know that you care

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I had to give them a name
Knowing that they didn’t grow up with me
At first they were these strange things
But now they are just an intricate part of me
And I am loving them
Every part of them
Even without Natural Boobs
Still loving them Foobs

It’s a strange feeling to be honest
They don’t feel like they use to feel
I know they are not real
But there is nothing fake on me
Everything that I am, is all me
Treat them the same as the old ones
Care for them with the same scrutiny
Once they are healed I will be free

These Foobs
Know they are not boobs
Moving around on purpose
Trying to be so disruptive
Knowing there are no bras
Made for things like this
So happy to have them
Last ones didn’t really like me

Wondering at times
Would people treat me differently
If I still had mine
Only those close to me
Truly know I am different completely
Pictures no longer look like me
These Foobs are the only outward indication
That I survived this biological manipulation

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I don’t even know what to say
Nothing is really different here
I feel exactly the same
There are lots of people
That truly care
And if I could utter a sound
If I could just hear a sound
Just to know that someone is around

Telling everyone I love
Hearing the tearful sound in their voice
As if I was given a death sentence
As if I no longer have a choice
Please know this is not the end
There is a treatment already laid out
There will be a day to rejoice
I am going to exhaust every possible choice

Believing in God
That single entity
If you could give me a sound
Remind me intrinsically
I wouldn’t have to endure this
If God didn’t already know I could
But did it have to be me?
Please God protect me

People calling routinely
As if my status changes day to day
That thing they asking about
Growing microscopically daily
There is nothing I can really do
Convincing myself it’s a better option
If I can finally just enjoy myself
I just need to hear a sound

Closing my eyes
With a sound belief
Those bells ringing
When I finish this whole thing
Futuristically planning
Trying my best to envision the conclusion
That that doctor will proclaim to me
“You are cancer free”

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