Tag: Poet

So long a part of me,
that now I find energy from misery.
It’s a daily affirmation making and checking
the gates and walls keeping that hidden pain hidden.
Muscle memory is stronger,
I can fight not much longer.
People impressed at the rudimentary shit I do
cause they don’t know I’m never letting go.

Brick and mortar use to be torture
as I had to modify techniques to remain unique,
so common enemies could go right past
without a thought of the hidden vulture.
Death constantly looming,
watching my moves
wondering why I spent so many hours
protecting mental heirlooms.
Death didn’t know I’m never letting go.

People keep mentioning this place that’s free.
Speaking of earth
like it’s really heaven if I could only see.
Each day that triumph and disaster
I see completely changing destinies.
Wondering….
where is their fortress,
where is their shield
how can they exist not knowing
how to manage life’s unexpected tendencies.
What would they be
if they really knew that I’m never letting go.

The past is the only teacher we have.
There is an illusion that there is good and bad.
The response to that which is gone is the changing fad.
A culture of social dictatorship
enforcing how you must feel
and what you must do.
But what if,
the answer is just in you.
Picking and choosing what to include and exclude
not the solution,
the mastery of managing the response is the revolution.
Letting Go.

Experiencing things Differently
As if different choices were made
Imaging the differences as reality
Now I’m stuck on this fantasy
What if’s. And If that’s….
None of it means a thing
In reality it’s not better or worse
It’s just a different path to the same thing

Going deep into the emotion of different things
Plotting out new courses with a different ring
The difference of this emotion is only
That I’m trying to make it different
Like trying to only carve out the best
Like this fantasy wont let me rest
Repeating my past with different decisions
Precisely laid out like an incision
It’s just a different way but the same pain

Looking at money differently
Don’t need different banks to exchange pennies
I am the hedge fund, creating wealth differently
Money watching money make money
Different life sure to be
That different life, different expenses surely
And in an instant still broke as could be
But at least I made the money differently

Pain is soothed by different thoughts
As if I weren’t in control the first time around
The different things I would have done
If and only if I knew what I know now
Same intelligence doesn’t lead to a different result
This is the life I have, I could start living or be lost
Focusing on where I am
versus where I thought I should be
The only difference, is the difference I am imagining.
Copyright 2018 Sy Bryant. All rights reserved

Loved and rejected
Synonymously interwoven
Associate one with the other
As if they are one in the same
As I come to accept the real
Pain
Loving ones that rejects you
Rejecting ghosts that love you

Peace and pain
Intertwined overtime
Pretending I’m at peace
With the the pain within me
So comfortable in fact
Life
Is the peace I feel in pain
The pain becomes my peace

Accepted and deteriorated
Building inescapable fate
Witnessing my own demise
Longing for an escape
Accepting the amount of hate
Existence
accepting a deteriorating life
Deteriorating accepting systemic defeat

Hope and Hate
Creating mystical obstacles
Hoping for Love and Peace
Hating the pain and rejection
Deteriorating my acceptance
Living
Regardless of this past
Independently I shall last

I cannot blame you
For who I was
No more than I can blame you
For who I am
I am every choice
That I MAKE
So of those will good
Most will be bad
The only comfort
Is that I am so focused
On learning from my own mistakes

I cannot blame you
Although I spent so much time
Doing exactly that
That know that I know better
Its hard to change a thing
Because I cannot get
Not one single second back
So instead of blaming you
Now, in reality I started hating you
Using hate as a fuel
I have become so cruel

I cannot blame you
But it is easier to blame you
Than to blame myself
Because if I blame myself
That would mean I failed myself
And I do not want to admit that
To myself
Yet I am stuck in this cycle
Of a lack of accountability
For every choice that I made
Wasn’t always made for me

Years of tears
Letting every drop
Build up
Hold it in
Containing it
Letting evaporation
Evaporate every sin
Take away each pain

Years of tears
The dam is well maintained
Always with
A smile on the face
Hiding every disgrace
Left thinking
How to hide everything
As if I don’t feel a thing

Years of tears
In the pit of despair
Feeling the void
Lost energy
Everything leaving me
Any possibility to see
Something new
Old world view

Years of tear
And every few years
I release these tears
Flushing out everything
Lost in this fantasy
As if pain is temporary
Pretending in this
No end to this

First tear gave way for another
Wallowed within the mystery
The deepest darkest scheme
Started as just a dream
Which enabled envy
Thinking I’m more than another

First tear washed away the fear
Created new opportunities
Opened every door I saw
Didn’t realize this was all
Recognizing hopes improbabilities
The coldest day gripped in fear

First tear washing the past
Out the window staring
Seeing the intricacies
Peeping the mysteries
No one even caring
How long will it last

First tear just a shadow of me
Sun exaggerating the humidity
Sweat filling each every pore
With infinite dollars I’m still poor
Slowly losing every bit of dignity
Void of everything I claim to be

I have been unwanted for so long
Only want people
that don’t want me
Lovely feeling chasing
fake memories
Making beauty
out of the worse things
If I ain’t unwanted
must be something wrong
Cause why would someone
Ever wanna want me
Cause why would someone
Ever want to stop
putting pain on me
Addicted to this pain
It’s the only real thing

I have been unwanted for so long
Afraid to
say my own name
It must be the initiation
of this innermost pain
Magnetism embedded
In the syllables
Pulls negativity
directly into me
Sitting and waiting
Waiting and thinking
Thinking and listening
Listening and believing
Believing in pain
Cause pain is what I know
So I keep it close to me

I have been unwanted for so long
Rorschach said to me
It makes me happy
I don’t wanna even see
that you stay hurting me
It’s not you
It’s me
Situational silence
Violent surprising
Weight heavy for me
World won’t wait for me
Will you bring it to me
That peaceful way
Loving me everyday
Thinking it’s a new way
When it’s my only way

Hurting for so long
Self inflicted pain
Rationalizing others effects on me
I cannot remember anyone staying with me
At some point everyone leaves
De prioritized me
So eventually I would leave
Before they would leave me

Do not share the inner you
Having prescribed emotions
Reading people before they read you
Staying on the defense
Only trust my own boundary
Cause I know it’s just me
The mirror looking at me
And the only one it sees is me

Living four lives on a constant basis
The reality of the past
Wondering how long pain will last
The what if of the past
As if I could avoid my past
The fantasy of the future
And presently As if the previous three
Don’t already have a handle on me