Sy Bryant

Category: Fatherless

  • Peace God

    Peace God

    Peace God

    I’m not trying to interrupt

    Just sharing some insight

    Hopefully we can reconcile

    Grant me just a while

    If we both get this right

    They’ll be less for us to disrupt

    Reconciliation of God

    Peace God

    We are not the true enemy

    This was all contrived intentionally

    If you could spare me a minute

    I can share why we are even in it

    As long as we battle relentlessly

    We can never be free

    Understanding of God

    Peace God

    Slurs and innuendos aren’t the way

    We were created purposely

    Without any fear or disarray

    But we’ve lost our way

    It was really done subtly

    We couldn’t keep the intruders at bay

    Salvation of God

    Peace God

    They don’t deserve what you are saying

    Surely they don’t warrant your reactions

    I absolutely understand your perspective

    But mirroring what we see is counterproductive

    What we need is better actions

    Laying proof without a shred of blaming

    Mercy of God

    Peace God

    Let me approach you head on

    I don’t need you imaging something is wrong

    I embrace you because I love you

    Not Every person is out to get you

    We both tired of the same song

    This is the beginning of a new dawn

    Vengeance of God

  • Childhood Ways

    Childhood Ways

    Cannot explain this hole in me

    I open up the old albums for 1983

    The smile looked real and sincere

    But I do not ever remember

    that feeling being there

    It was just me and her for the longest

    You stepped on the scene

    Knew straight away

    You were the strongest

    I thought life was real

    When ya’ll got married

    And I got your last name

    First party I remembered

    At the Cornucopia

    Everyone so thrilled

    Dancing endlessly

    Staying with family

    As ya’ll drove away

    Remember running up the steps

    Saw you laying on the floor

    I was scared to death

    Crazy part is, I was up to no good

    Use to still your coins

    Just rebelling because I could

    Thought you were gone

    Ambulance arrived

    You kept saying you were fine

    Everything suddenly collapsed in me

    Read this letter

    About how much you loved me

    And how what is happening

    Wasn’t about me

    Just something that couldn’t be resolved

    Those words they stung me

    Wasn’t even a year since the ceremony

    Really thought you adopted me

    Couldn’t accept that you never left

    Even got a house in walking distance

    Still bear your last name

    But it’s not the same

    Trying to explain to the seeds

    My father is not their grandfather

    You are not my father

    Their grandfather is not my father

    And they looking at me like I’m insane

    Promised God at that point

    Before I was even two digits around the sun

    I would never give that feeling to my son

    It created this burden in me

    Breaking through stereotypical curses

    So many unresolved emotions

    So embedded In my psyche

    Just to release it

    creates thousands verses

    And I cannot to this day

    Say I am healed from any of it

    More like build up resilience

    To all kinds of bullshit

    Temper stays short and lit

    Portray a light hearted laugh

    Keep people real relax

    But the gritted vengeance

    Already considered how to end this

  • You Left Me Dad

    You Left Me Dad

    YOU LEFT ME DAD.

    As an toddler you never gave me a chance to say Da-Da, but I said Ma-Ma.

    You never were there when I fell to tell me  that I don’t need to cry, but mom was.

    I realize man is opposite woman, but is mother the opposite of father?

    Everything mom does, dad does not?

    Every day my mom was there to give love, my dad was not.

    WHERE WERE YOU………..?

    Now I am a man, a father.

    I’m making money and you’re not.

    Now you need me, but I no longer need you.

    You lost your life and mine has just began.

    You are now asking for my love.

    My reply is “No”.

    I’m the bastard, but you’re going to be treated like one.

  • What’s Left of Me?

    What’s Left of Me?

    Disappointed in resentment

    Unforeseen fulfillment

    Understanding the resilience

    Unequivocally connected to resistance

    Progressing through darkness

    Trudging past the loneliness

    Creeping around uncertainty

    What’s left of me?

    Envisioning upward awakenings

    Aggravated into unfamiliar feelings

    Resurrection of derivative viewings

    Starting to think something new

    Initiating a different point of view

    Second guessing it’s you

    Unraveling this mystery

    What’s left of me?

    Invoking this opening scene

    Believing in the unknown things

    Prayerfully accepting the unseen

    Earth shaking the life outta me

    Waves changing how I breathe

    Thrust of windfall controlling my fall

    Appreciation for something I can see

    What’s left for me?

    Sun shinning 360

    World spinning feverishly

    If I could get off

    Where would I be

    Fear got a hold of me

    Devastated remembering the past

    Shattered in how long it’ll last

    Lost in life definitely

    What’s left for me?

  • When Pens Speak

    When Pens Speak

    I lost you

    I mean I lost me

    What I am trying to say

    Is there are times

    When I can barely speak

    When the world is yelling

    There are people demanding

    My only respite

    When Pens Speak

    When Pens Speak

    No thought is hidden

    Emptying my mind

    Every drop of ink sublime

    Even when I artificial create beauty

    And I am left typing

    Every word holding onto me

    Loosen me to be at peace

    It’s like I lose track of time

    Because there is something I cannot describe

    But if you let me just try

    I am holding this plastic cylinder

    Just one thumb pressing down

    And I am immediately transcended

    And now I am trying to articulate words

    Some that I barely know

    But it helps with the flow

    When Pens Speak

    When Pens Speak

    Its always an easy evening

    Even if I am out of every bit of energy

    The alarm doesn’t need to call upon me

    It is that law of attraction that brings me in

    I know my pen is not enough

    I become a fiend for that energy

    To hear those words that can only be spoken

    Reading it would not do it justice

    When Pens Speak

  • Pieces Of Me

    Pieces Of Me

    Feeling like

    I’ve been pulled together

    Randomly

    The father and mother are clear

    But he was never here

    Now I think back unraveling

    Each layer of me that I see

    Seeing every man

    That somehow made

    An impression on me

    Learned love at a very early age

    Remembering those hugs

    You loved me like I

    Never made a single mistake

    For whatever reason

    You only came around on holidays

    Only found out your hidden identity

    When AIDS took you away

    Learned how to manifest anger

    It was routinely on display

    Cannot remember my age

    But I knew it was in second grade

    It reminds me

    Of one of those superhero characters

    You won’t like me when I’m angry

    Because in hindsight

    I cannot fathom what

    A classroom of 2nd graders

    Could ever do

    To make you break a chalkboard

    But I learned to hold shit in

    And when my seeds messed up

    I let it explode again and again

    Learned how to ride or die

    Nothing special

    It was just the look in your eyes

    Revenge is a bitter pill

    Sometimes you get so deep in it

    There’s no way out of it

    That’s why you need

    To have heat with you

    Because badge or not

    No one wants to get shot

    Always stay ready

    With a plan to enter

    A plan to escape

    But if you get stuck

    Shut the fuck up

    Let the lawyer plead your case

    Learned how to just cut ties

    Give it your all

    Until you bust

    Then walk away

    With no hesitancy

    Nothing means everything

    Even though I was your seed

    The gravity of you leaving

    Helped me leave everything

    Learned a lot of things randomly

    Watching life’s sermons

    While people speaking eloquently

    Seeing every addiction

    Removed every narcotic curiosity

    Regardless of the need to escape

    When that high wore off

    There is nowhere left to escape

    And the reality of who you are

    That is all that’s left

    Accepting who you really are

    Until your final last breath

    Learned by watching more than hearing

    Seeing you fix things

    Instead of using yellow pages

    Seeing the logic

    Was no internet on site

    Laying tiles without a single mistake

    Hanging Sheetrock with one hand

    Hammer it in with the other hand

    Realizing desire more important

    Than impossibility

    When you want something done

    Waiting on someone ain’t always

    In your reach

    Pieced together

    Feeling like those old scarecrows

    Resembling something real

    But in reality

    Just the manifestation

    Of different realities

    And none of them fit together

    Always challenged for them to

    Work together

    Even if all those influencers

    Were in the same room

    They wouldn’t like each other

    Yet I’m perpetuating their ideals

    Stuck not knowing how to feel

    Unwilling to let them go

    Selfishly it’s all I know

  • Unknowingly

    Unknowingly

    Unknowingly

    Entered into a different state of mind

    What if your words were true

    And life would be worse

    Knowing and loving you

    And everything

    And everybody

    That I hold close to me

    Wouldn’t even know me

    Desperately grasping

    At every possible timeline

    Not sure which one is mine

    Unknowingly

    Gladly provide forgiveness

    Speak though all the treachery

    The reality knows me differently

    Holding onto emptiness

    Fostering hateful thoughts

    Just to unleash them willingly

    To any hateful human being

    Transposing everything about you

    Literally to them

    There will be no remorse

    Not even hesitation of thought

    Unknowingly

    Provide you control

    It was amplified

    By every single being

    Promising beliefs I needed

    Gullible the first time

    Open minded to a cure

    I know your name

    But I will never say it

    My seeds will never know you

    Not having you abandoned them

    Like I know you would do

    Unknowingly

    Persevering every opportunity

    End the cycle of a father leaving

    The men in my paternal lineage

    Just did it so routinely

    Dropping seeds quickly

    Stay around long enough

    Just in time to germinate

    Never see the fruit of the labor

    Never know if I’m really of you

    I don’t even know you

  • Living Today

    Living Today

    Ever felt like everything you believed was a lie

    It’s like you realize in hindsight

    Nothing was real, not even reality.

    Now the reality that you see ain’t what you expected it to be.

    Ever thought what if I changed that one decision in my life.

    It’s like you associate your entire existence to one moment in time.

    But that time is long gone and so now all you try to do is hold on. 

    Ever believed there is something better in this world.

    Something inspiring, something serene,  something that makes this insane world livable.

    Something to wake up for.   There just has to be more.

    Ever thought about the future.  And realized everything in your future doesn’t exist in your present.   Ever realize that you just created another fantasy instead of living today.

  • Days Long Gone

    Days Long Gone

    Time gone. 

    And every time

    the past comes to the present,

    I can feel the present

    being wasted again. 

    That past is cemented

    in the deep caravans

    of the earths core.

    There is nothing

    that can be done

    with days long gone.   

    Time alone.

    In the midst of time

    it stands alone. 

    Unstoppable. 

    Unforgiving.

    I just need a single moment

    to allow the past pain to heal. 

    But you push me forward

    as if my pain is irrelevant. 

    There is nothing

    that can be done

    with days long gone. 

    Time free.

    Never once paid for you,

    but you are constantly in my life. 

    Each day

    I become more indebted

    yet I never even asked for you. 

    I need freedom. 

    You’ve held me too long.

    There is nothing

    that can be done

    with days long gone.

    Time bound. 

    I cannot find peace. 

    You hold me so tightly

    I cannot see my next step.

    And I struggle

    to even believe. 

    Why do you command

    my life

    so strongly. 

    Why cannot I

    just be I. 

    There is nothing

    that can be done

    with days long gone.

  • Letting Go

    Letting Go

    So long a part of me, that now I find energy from misery. 

    It’s a daily affirmation making and checking the gates and walls keeping that hidden pain hidden.

    Muscle memory is stronger, I can fight not much longer.

    People impressed at the rudimentary shit I do cause they don’t know I’m never letting go.

    Brick and mortar use to be torture as I had to modify techniques to remain unique,

    so common enemies could go right past without a thought of the hidden vulture.

    Death constantly looming,

    watching my moves wondering why I spent so many hours protecting mental heirlooms.

    Death didn’t know I’m never letting go.

    People keep mentioning this place that’s free. 

    Speaking of earth like it’s really heaven if I could only see. 

    Each day that triumph and disaster I see completely changing destinies. 

    Wondering where is their fortress,

    where is their shield how can they exist not knowing how to manage life’s unexpected tendencies.

    What would they be if they really knew that I’m never letting go.

    The past is the only teacher we have. 

    There is an illusion that there is good and bad.  

    The response to that which is gone is the changing fad. 

    A culture of social dictatorship enforcing how you must feel and what you must do. 

    But what if, the answer is just in you. 

    Picking and choosing what to include and exclude is not the solution, the mastery of managing the response is the revolution. 

    Letting Go.

  • Sigh For A Smile

    Sigh For A Smile

    Sigh for a smile

    Remembering when I

    Would sigh out of frustration

    As an emotional release

    Opening the valve

    Releasing it all

    Emptying my cup

    Vulnerabilities and all

    Sigh for a smile

    Recognizing every trouble

    Each and every trial I’ve been through

    The tribulations that weakened me

    Somehow ended up

    Strengthened me

    Lavishing in all of it

    Because I am all of it

    Sigh for a smile

    Remembering the many days

    When I thought

    There was no other way

    Holding onto the past

    Cause the present

    Wasn’t what I planned

    Now I see the real plan

    Sigh for a smile

    when I lay my head

    Down to sleep

    Everything I am

    Is what you expected of me

    Never relinquish peace

    Or serenity

    That alignment to destiny

    Sigh for a smile

    Shaking my head

    In the amount of disbelief

    Remembering those that fell

    Acknowledging those enslaved

    Calling out to the lost

    And it’s just by chance

    I am not the same

  • Just Ride

    Just Ride

    Ride….. As far as possible. 

    There is no time or speed quest.

    Just a feeling of emptiness.

    Striving to have a mind clear of any premeditated thought. 

    Focused on spiritual oneness , aligning the mind to push the body past what it was taught.

    Ride…..Far away. 

    Up a hill I know I cannot climb. 

    Chasing down the speeders staying right on their line. 

    Reaching eagerly for that point of exhaustion. 

    Pushing relentlessly until there is nothing left but the will to say hold on.

    Ride…. Far into.

    Into that bliss of nothingness where no one exist. 

    Just having hydrating liquids as my only salvation. 

    Feeling that physical pain. 

    Muscles tightening. All the while I get stronger and stronger.

    There is nothing close to the spiritual awakening than challenging yourself beyond your own beliefs. 

    Ride …. Ride out of. 

    Out of the limits of world. 

    Into this community of individuals seeking the same euphoria of oneness with nothingness.    

  • Kept Thinking

    Kept Thinking

    Kept thinking

    I could escape my past

    Find a way to end the wrath

    I thought the longer I lived

    The more happiness I would have

    And old painful things

    Would fall away at last

    Wanted to believe in pure things

    That not everyone is an enemy

    But had too many trusted faces

    That I can no longer tell

    Who is who

    In the fell clutch if circumstance

    No longer willing to take a chance

    Kept thinking

    Loss is only temporary

    And eventually it is replaced

    In some type of way

    Replenishing what was missing

    When protection is lost

    A different person emerges

    Wanted to believe in pure things

    That this evil festering is temporary

    Now we are so intertwined

    I smile so you believe I’m fine

    Ruthlessly divert conversations

    Protecting everything left in me

    Barely holding the vengeance within

    Kept thinking

    If I had that day again

    If my God created protector

    Was just there

    But he never showed up

    And never will again

    Crushed into oblivion

  • Darkness Will Shine

    Darkness Will Shine

    The bottomless pit

    That envy

    Consuming mortality

    Focused externally

    Believing

    I’m not who I claim to be

    Claiming another’s destiny

    Plotting over time

    Darkness will shine

    Expecting insanity

    Repeatedly executing

    Repetitiously anticipation

    As if a different outcome

    Will finally come

    Unchanged methodology

    The answer, unequivocally

    Cannot be me

    Darkness will shine

    Preparation for abundance

    Creating repositories

    Futuristic inventories

    Organized scheming

    Suit and tie conspiracies

    Eliminated electronic trails

    Buried evidence

    Resurrected above the skyline

    Darkness will shine

    Deeply contemplating this

    Post mortuary visits

    Explaining all the details

    Limitations of statutes

    Impermeable to virtues

    Accepting final peace

    Disclosing missed mistakes

    You never  knew it was me

    Darkness will shine

  • Bastard Life

    Bastard Life

    Recognized it quickly

    Early on in childhood

    Ninety houses on one street

    I was one of the few

    Where it was just

    My mom and me

    It was clearly recognized

    Just a different energy

    Things that

    Were significant for us

    The relationship was based on trust

    The mom had to provide

    Meaning I saw her sporadically

    When she was home

    She was tired

    From all the sacrifices for me

    She would absolutely be there

    For all those trivial things

    From the first house to the last

    Families upon families

    We enjoyed our youth profusely

    Individually everyone had their issues

    But when we were together

    We had no issues

    But everything was different for me

    Because in our crew

    I was the one that had the curfew

    The individual with the single parent home

    Most of the day no one was home

    No one to even get peace from

    Dude was never there

    It was just the challenge

    I’m the only one that says “dad”

    But when I say it

    It has no meaning

    No one responds

    The air swallows it up

    No one gives a fuck

    That’s when the promise started

    I never wanted to be that dude

    Eventually I started labeling others

    Calling them dad because I had none

    Camp counselors, teachers

    Any man I gave a crown to

    Always had men in my family

    But they weren’t always around

    And every man with the same belief

    He’ll be okay eventually

    He’s mom can do more than me

    Signs were evident

    something was wrong in me

    But not those normal

    Red flags you see

    I wasn’t in jail

    Went to every class

    Did exceptionally well

    Teachers viewed me well

    Mom provided everything

    Supporting both of us

    But now that festering of pain

    Always feels like it will erupt

    So accustomed to this feeling

    Dare not disturb the feeling

    Just keep ignoring the signs

    Let them pass with time

  • Focus

    Before focusing on ourself

    Consider what we are projecting

    That our unique ability

    Indicates we are the very best

    Even when there is so much left

    What if true success

    Was letting it all go

    To align spiritually and mentally

    With every other human being

    We focus on the youth

    Desperately wanting them to be the truth

    Ignoring every lie we told

    Somehow expecting more of them

    As if we were not once that old

    Trying to redirect humanity

    Creating a self belief

    That there is real opportunity for peace

    Unwilling to release any device of war

    Remaining focused on desire

    Something that burning desire

    Fueling the path of every insurrection

    Being disingenuous is the new belief

    Manipulation births every gain

    But what if friendship could reign

    The peace of passion held swiftly

    Ignoring that life is temporary

    Fighting for what we will never see

  • I Remember When

    I Remember When

    Every day is a blessing and a curse

    I remember every single thing

    Literally like it was yesterday

    Details and feelings

    Visions and meaning

    If you asked me

    Very specifically

    What I wore yesterday

    I couldn’t answer you

    Because everything of the past

    Is not within my view

    But I remember when

    I felt every smile

    I felt every annoyance

    I felt every pain

    I remember when

    Every experience is a triumph and a disaster

    It isn’t really clear what I’m after

    The earth showing me the same thing

    Day after day spinning in the same axis

    Weather changes but everything is the same

    Reliving life repeatedly

    Wondering when that change

    That new life

    When will it happen for me

    But I remember when

    When every adult told me

    Anything I wanted could be mine

    I felt every pride

    I felt every faith

    I felt every deceit

    I remember when

    Every thought is life and death

    Anticipating every possibility

    Analyzing imagined life

    As if life was actually occurring for me

    Providing the illusion of ease

    It’s more like I’ve already prepared

    As if every option was possible

    Already determined every next step

    But I remember when

    Life has more beauty

    When defense wasn’t the best offense

    Life used to be something to me

    I felt every deadly sin

    I felt every eternity

    I felt every circumstance

    I remember when

    Every being is Life and Death

    One assumes the other

    Until one consumes the other

    Regardless of magic

    Irrespective of prayer or hope

    The fate we all reach is equivalent

    I remember when

    Everything we wanted to believe

    It all had to be permanent

    Even when our own existence

    It is just but a dream

    The next generation was the truth

    I felt every doubt

    I felt every love

    I felt God

    I remember when

  • Can I get Some Credit

    Can I get Some Credit

    I mean

    Look at all I have done

    You stay on my ass

    But won’t let me pass

    And I am wondering

    What is it?

    What is it that you don’t like?

    Every time I do anything

    You scrunching up your face

    Like I made a mistake

    Just give me that credit

    That shit I deserve

    I don’t need another word

    I mean

    I see the shit you do

    And I’m looking at it

    Like, is that the best you can do

    Maybe that’s why

    You still in my business

    Looking at what I’m doing

    Instead of handling you business

    What keeps you staring at me?

    I would give you credit

    If I could

    But your shit looks awful

    Doubt if I ever would

    I mean

    Is it jealousy

    Do you have a burning desire

    To be able to do

    All the things that I can do

    Is it that deadly sin

    Thinking if you destroy me

    You would be able to replace me

    You are nothing like me

    You standing there claiming

    If you just had more time

    I’m not wasted a dime of credit

    You ain’t shit, I said it.

    I mean

    There are six more sins you could pursue

    You keep on that pride shit

    Mentally I’m aligned with charity

    But you are beyond help

    All of that gluttony

    If you just had the courage

    To humbly have a bit of faith

    Maybe it would be possible

    For that greed dwelling inside you

    Maybe it could find a different place

    I will give you credit for one thing

    You are not anything I want to be

  • Begging For Forgiveness

    Begging For Forgiveness

    It wasn’t until that day I knew

    I fucked up

    And the world reminded me

    Momentarily

    Paralyzed in hysteria

    Seeing my baby girl

    I needed to atone

    For every single thing

    I did wrong

    Begging for forgiveness.

    It wasn’t until I recognized

    Every foul word

    And even pleasant words

    I would use them without meaning

    Just to temporarily

    Create a scenario

    I always pretended

    It was for a meaning

    But mirrors only tell the truth

    Begging for forgiveness.

    It wasn’t until I looked

    Into my own eyes

    Yet I stood there surprised

    Raised harshly so lovingly

    Three women formed me

    Although there was testosterone

    Those genes never formed

    Not a single positive thought

    Only doing what I was taught

    Begging for forgiveness.

    It wasn’t until I heard

    Don’t worry about it

    It was ok

    That I knew it wasn’t ok

    Not a single one of them forgot

    Each loving word

    The illusion I created from nothingness

    I was that knight in amour

    That African prince

    Begging for forgiveness.

    It wasn’t until I remembered

    The sins of the past will last

    My seeds will be perpetuators and victims

    From the previous seeds I planted

    Yet I don’t know for certainty

    If they have other siblings

    Although I never tried to disappear

    Before that time of the month

    Indicating everything was clear

    Begging for forgiveness.

    It wasn’t until the world stood still

    And I held my baby girl

    I wanted so much to smile

    Looking at what was mine

    But I had to cry

    Knowing what was mine

    Each pain I caused

    I pray your vengeance on me

    Not this precious baby I see

    Begging for forgiveness.

  • Sometimes

    Sometimes

    Sometimes

    Just sitting here

    Just writing it all out

    All the things I should say

    Everything that I was suppose to say

    Just end up here

    Right here

    Just to get it out

    Sometimes

    Emotion captures

    Frustration turns into anger

    Anger gets trapped into complacency

    And just in that moment

    Losing all my sanity

    Differences eluding me

    So I am stuck being me

    Sometimes

    Reminiscing about this

    Missing something dismissed

    Wondering about uncertainty’s privilege

    Stipulation of inevitable changes

    Waiting for the next evolution

    Rotation of the earth

    Endless revolutions

    Sometimes

    The stars see me

    Looking a bit desperately

    Endlessly striving toward possibilities

    Lingering in this crazy mystery

    Lord please bless me

    Trying so hard

    Please hear me

  • Forgiveness

    Forgiveness

    Forgiveness?

    I heard about you

    People stay talking about you

    Telling me I need to meet you

    Somehow I need to get to know you

    They kept saying I need some time with you

    Telling me how nice you are

    Speaking as if we ever met

    The world would be so different

    The crazy part

    They never tell me how you look

    Only describing emotion intelligent things

    As if those things have meaning

    Expecting me to show a sign of softness

    Forgiveness?

    Forgiveness?

    Let me tell you like this

    I know how to treat people

    And if you want to be

    One of those people

    Just know

    I will tell you

    Like I told them

    Everything is everything

    We can even pretend to be friends

    But if you dare cross me in anyway

    You better watch for what’s coming your way

    I will cut you off with the quickness

    Forgiveness?

    Forgiveness?

    You keep asking me these questions

    Knowing you really don’t want to know the answer

    I know I’m alone, but that doesn’t mean I’m lonely

    It is absolutely intentional

    Based on how people treat me

    I know every time I see you

    You looking at me because I’m solo

    But at least if I am the only one here

    I will already know

    How everything is about to go

    I’m telling you I am good

    From sun up to sun down

    I do not need you in my business

    Forgiveness?

    Forgiveness?

    When the night becomes clear

    That is the part that is anchored in fear

    Would I be as strong as I claim to be

    If everyone that did anything

    I allowed to continually hurt me

    How am I missing out on life?

    You know how this thing go

    You meet them

    You trust them

    They take you for granted

    They take your last bit of trust

    Now they look real different

    That is why I am suspicious.

    Forgiveness.

    Forgiveness.

    I get what you saying

    Because I have yet to let go

    From each and every hurt and pain

    Right now

    That is all I know

    I know how to be hurt

    I know how to manage pain

    And now, somehow

    I am creating the exact scenario

    That I claim to be letting go

    I am my worst enemy

    Counting nights minutes

    Forgiveness.

    Forgiveness

    I see you

    I remember I saw you a while back

    When I turned away

    When they stabbed me in the back

    I walked right past you

    I just didn’t know it was you

    I just thought as long as I keep this wall up

    I would always be strong enough

    Now this same wall grown so tall

    I cannot see anything

    Not a single joy or smile

    Please accept my apology

    Please forgive me.

  • Just Different

    Just Different

    Experiencing things Differently

    As if different choices were made

    Imaging the differences as reality

    Now I’m stuck on this fantasy

    What if’s.  And If that’s….

    None of it means a thing

    In reality it’s not better or worse

    It’s just a different path to the same thing

    Going deep into the emotion of different things

    Plotting out new courses with a different ring

    The difference of this emotion is only

    That I’m trying to make it different

    Like trying to only carve out the best

    Like this fantasy wont let me rest

    Repeating my past with different decisions

    Precisely laid out like an incision

    It’s just a different way but the same pain

    Looking at money differently

    Don’t need different banks to exchange pennies

    I am the hedge fund, creating wealth differently

    Money watching money make money

    Different life sure to be

    That different life, different expenses surely

    And in an instant still broke as could be

    But at least I made the money differently

    Pain is soothed by different thoughts

    As if I weren’t in control the first time around

    The different things I would have done

    If and only if I knew what I know now

    Same intelligence doesn’t lead to a different result

    This is the life I have, I could start living or be lost

    Focusing on where I am

    versus where I thought I should be

    The only difference, is the difference I am imagining.

  • Praying

    Praying

    Prayed for rain,

    Now I’m standing in mud

    Really thought I knew what I wanted.

    It was dry and barren.

    Thought I just needed to be caring. 

    Confidently I knew the way

    Now that rain drained my day.

    Praying, for what I want

    Praying, for what I need

    Is praying the answer,

    Or should I just wait patiently?

    Prayed for strength,

    Now I’ve lost my compassion

    Really thought if I could just be stronger,

    I could make it last much longer.

    Tears.

    Heartache. 

    Now it’s gone, but so too is the passion.

    Now I can’t feel anything, just the weight of this strength.

    Praying, for what I want.

    Praying, for what I need.

    Is praying the answer,

    Or should I just wait patiently?

    Prayed and prayed, but I’m still in need. 

    Got every single thing that I’ve prayed for, yet I’m empty. 

    Learn to accept and manage, instead praying for that greener grass.

    It’s all just an illusion, and this too shall pass.

    Praying, for what I want.

    Praying, for what I need.

    Is praying the answer,

    Or should I just wait patiently?

  • Family

    Family

    Faint memories

    Devastated me

    The fallacy of belief

    Holding onto fiction

    Artistically describing

    Each and every interaction

    Remembering Christmas morning

    Thinking we were a family

    Haunted memories

    Seeing who made you

    Each time I thought

    Even for an instance

    The other half of me

    Finally wanted me

    Just an illusion I created

    Wanting family

    Fake Memories

    Created multi parent household

    Lasted until I was 10 years old

    Held me and allowed me to grow

    Didn’t even know

    Parents weren’t suppose to go

    Slowly realized

    The one sided family

    Angered memories

    Woke up realizing

    Single parent household

    Faults amplified

    The rejection taken hold

    Half of what made me

    No longer wanted me

    That’s my family

    Ignored memories

    Siblings visited

    Far off and distant

    Never an embrace

    Barely a hello

    Realized, for the first time

    I was alone

    Abandoned by family

  • Grief

    Grief

    Midst of the grief

    Fighting the belief

    Everything has its place

    So must this pain

    In my face

    Pulling at me

    With every single breath

    Waking with tears

    My own dreams

    Perpetuating fears

    Deep into grief

    Asking questions rhetorically

    Only God can answer me

    Knees bend in pain

    Screaming to remain sane

    Replaying each scene

    Was it meant to be me

    Not accepting this destiny

    Fire keeps growing in me

    Afraid to sleep

    Alone in this grief

    Every grief opening

    Every single time

    I felt this pain

    Appreciating lessons

    Some told remain old

    Expecting something different

    Hard to bear this

    Praying for something

    Not even sure what yet

    Buried in grief

    Flowing through me

    Essence of everything

    Innocence was fleeting

    Unable to protect me

    Envied each day dream

    Thinking I’d be free

    I changed locations

    Escaped reality

    But it never left me

  • If Only….

    If Only….

    If only we were strong enough

    As a collective

    Not to view professional sports

    As the golden ticket

    To somehow believe

    We are more than our physicality

    We could literally create

    More than we have already invented

    We could absolutely lead

    Further than we ever have managed

    If only we saw the Negro League

    As a point of strength

    Not a means to an end

    Although we were winning

    We claimed it as a failure

    As those that are unlike us

    Didn’t accept our win

    And I just don’t know when

    When we will see ourselves

    As the victories that we are

    Surpassing mediocrity

    Elevating from slavery

    Yet, are we free?

    If only we could see the beauty

    Seeing females as if they are princesses and queens

    Seeing men as if they are princes and kings

    Creating a new narrative

    Where celebrating the first

    To do something

    In someone else’s culture

    Is no longer seen as a monumental thing

    Where our boundaries and breakthroughs

    Are only self defined

    Where I don’t need to prove shit to no one

    That could care less about me

    And I don’t need to trumpet

    That I am as good as someone else

    I can literally just be myself

    If only we could plant new seeds

    Nurtured with a new energy

    No longer naming this new being

    Based on old things

    If slavery was such a bad thing

    Why do we hold onto to any of it?

    The names, the celebrations

    Or even the religions

    That were only allowed

    To ensure we remained a human plow

    It wasn’t the relinquishing

    Of prison gates that granted freedom

    We were simply told we were allowed to go

    Up until that point we mentally

    Weren’t allowed to go

    And still to this day

    That very minimal energy

    Never balanced the scales

    So it’s surprising me

    When people say they are free

    If only we knew the cost of freedom

    Do we give our life?

    So that the next life will be free

    Do we sacrifice our culture?

    Creating it into an economy

    So that the next generation

    Will have less pressure to fit in

    Do we call out the ignorance?

    And beg for people

    To look at us different

    Do we take up arms?

    And beg for people

    To treat us different

    Do we realize

    That we aren’t even the root of the issue

    Do we continue to ignore

    The issues rooted in the formation of this place

    It is not anything we can do or not do

    There is this every present belief

    That the revolt that never happened

    Against those of European descent

    Will one day happen

    Against those of European descent

    I have to just tell you

    No one wants it to happen

    Except those of European descent

    If only everyone loved unconditionally…

  • Counting Up Missed Opportunities

    Counting Up Missed Opportunities

    Counting up missed opportunities

    Somehow they didn’t become dear to me

    When you were here

    Life was forever

    So there was always another opportunity

    Then the life I was expecting

    Didn’t become reality

    And all those words

    Each thought

    Every dream

    Just turned into a fantasy

    Counting up missed opportunities

    Reflecting on personal interactions

    As if they were just simple transactions

    Debits and credits constantly

    Managing self fulfilling accounts

    Never took into account

    That one day the coffers would be empty

    Hearing the words didn’t scare me

    Just left me empty

    They said you were gone

    But no one said what was wrong

    Counting up missed opportunities

    Convincing myself

    Everything happens for a reason

    Telling myself

    God doesn’t make mistakes

    Looking in the mirror

    Hoping to see strength

    Instead of this reality

    I absolutely want to avoid the ceremony

    I think it’s called paying our last respects

    Instead I turned off everything I had left

    Counting up missed opportunity

    Admitting each mistake I’ve made

    Making vain promises

    That I will never be in this situation again

    Promising to tell everyone I love them

    Promising to make time while they are here

    Promising that nothing material will interfere

    Promising that this pain will end

    Yet I stand over this casket

    Tears breaking through

    Realizing every one of my sins

  • Subtle Breeze

    Subtle Breeze

    Staring into this subtle breeze

    Continuous cloud blocking the burning sun

    Endless sand finally touching my homeland

    Left to wonder, and understand this new summer

    This new summer showing me the past

    Encapsulating every bias I have

    Serenity can only be leased

    Why must I have this break in peace?

    This break in peace

    Pounds a deafening frequency

    Wanting to believe in something

    Not destined for me

    For me the world is too much

    Staggered in analysis causing paralysis

    Yet I will claim

    It’s all in Christ’s name

    In Christ’s name I pray

    If I were a strong as he

    Then I would know what this life really means

    Selfishly believing in a feeling I’ll never know

    I’ll never know what it means

    To sacrifice your own life

    For someone you don’t even know

    Somehow finding an existence in everything I hold dear

    Everything I hold dear

    Held in the chasm of my mind

    Holding every doubt with ease

    Staring into the subtle breeze

  • Democracy

    Democracy

    Within its thrills of DEMOCRACY

    I think I see more than what

    I’m supposed to see

    Things are fair and just

    Because that’s what you’re meant to see

    But in the midst of the struggle

    Poor will fight poor

    To maintain the wealthy

    The wealthy elite

    That’s who the stars represent

    The stripes for everyone else’s

    Pain and punishment

    It’s gotten so irate

    That the Lords and the Saxons

    Argue about unending debates

    Gross neglect is DEMOCRACY’S fate

    You just have to stop and think

    What’s the purpose of this DEMOCRACY

    For all the times that it existed

    Mass murders were a common existence

    King’s fought side by side with their armies

    No one was above peace and harmony

    Then realization manifested into reality

    An elitist dying from war would never be reality

    War has always existed

    It is a animalistic condition

    To have everything you can possible hold

    No one wants to really share

    Until they are past tense and old

    So we continue propagating this myth

    That we are free

    And it’s due to DEMOCRACY

  • The Future

    The Future

    I can see into the future

    There are no mics to drop

    Nothing spectacular to convey

    The first lesson you shall learn

    You will not see everyday

    I can see into the future

    Disasters are really triumphs

    They bring life out of death

    Emphasizing what is left

    Yet we only see the theft

    I can see into the future

    The earth spinning on its axis

    Multitude avoiding taxes

    Ignoring the humanity of community

    While wondering, is it me?

    I can see into the future

    The dawn of each day

    With every setting sun

    Someone leaves this place

    Before their work has begun

    I can see into the future

    Dare not share this thought

    Freedom is not free

    Created from destruction

    Ignored in selfish possibility

    I can see into the future

    The caste is set in stone

    Reminisce of illegitimate wealth

    Creating limitations

    That only apply to someone else

    I can see into the future

    The image of Heaven stands

    The North Star of every land

    Keeping mischievous beings in check

    Preventing the evolution of what’s next

  • I don’t know what to do

    I don’t know what to do

    I don’t know what to do

    Everything was happening

    And the happenings

    That just kept happening

    And no one knew what to do

    They thought isolation

    Would somehow help us

    And now I’m left wondering

    Because you are not here

    Instead of staying away

    Thinking I was keeping you safe

    Should I have stayed closer

    To keep you safe

    Now there is nothing left

    Just those memories

    cherishing every moment

    That we had

    Trying my hardest

    Yet I’m still sad.

    I don’t know what to do

    It all happened so fast

    We just spoke last week

    You were a little tired

    But you could still speak

    Then calls were unanswered

    There were no more social media post

    It felt like the world went silent

    Calling around to everyone

    Yet no one heard from you

    The nurse said it wasn’t going well

    There was this eery feeling

    Wondering without information

    Stuck second guessing

    Each piece of sporadic information

    The ventilator was working well

    That’s what we were told

    Nothing to worry about

    Everything would be O.K.

    You weren’t that old

    I don’t know what to do

    The hospital called

    We still cannot see you

    Not even to say our final goodbye

    I pray to God that this isn’t true

    What prayer do I need to pray

    What else can I possibly do

    There is so much life left

    Cannot fathom it’ll be without you

    I’m lost in this moment

    Begging for another moment

    Heart levied with anguish

    Not knowing what to do next

    Everyone is calling everyone else

    How do we move forward

    Recognizing there will be no closure

    The tears flowed swiftly

    Lost every sense of composer

    When they finally told me

    Your life was over

    I don’t know what to do

    Standing here in the open air

    Finding comfort in memories

    Sharing tears openly

    Writing your name clearly

    Speaking your name loudly

    Celebrating every day

    As if you are still here with me

    Closing my eyes

    Just for a moment of peace

    Forever more

    I will eternally say your name

    Smiling momentarily

    Believing holistically

    There is life after this world

    We will be reunited eventually

    Holding each day from now til then

    Burying your earthly shell

    Hoping that somehow

    You will live through me

  • Final Time To Say Farewell

    Final Time To Say Farewell

    Final time to say farewell

    Now I’m supposed to pretend

    That all is well

    Remembering that exact building

    Been there a few times

    Never once for a reason

    That didn’t leave a tear inside

    Final time to say farewell

    Now I’m supposed to believe

    You are in this heavenly place

    And I’ll never see you again

    Until I meet my own fate

    But I’ve done so many wrong things

    It’s just too late

    Final time to say farewell

    Recognizing you cannot see me

    There’s no breath left

    Ignoring the depths of eternity

    Knowing you cannot feel me

    Praying you knew

    Everything you are to me

    Final time to say farewell

    As if you won’t forever exist

    I swear to you

    I will always remember you

    Something this world will never take away

    Digesting your words

    Just seeing your face

    Final time to say farewell

    Wishing I said what needed to be said

    Hoping life won’t end where you lay

    Believing tomorrow brings a new day

    Wanting to know you can REST

    Needing something to believe IN

    Praying for your eternal PEACE

  • Trying to Write it Out

    Trying to Write it Out

    If I could write out everything,

    Maybe it would be something new to sing.  

    The stories of the past weigh on me.

    Never found anyone to share with me. 

    Everyone wants me to solve their problems,

    But what do I do about my problems.

    Trying to write it out. 

    The pain. 

    Lost dreams. 

    Unfulfilled hope. 

    Small things. 

    Embarrassed for you to know,

    Everything I do is not in control. 

    A lot of gut reactions,

    Just so happens to turn out right for someone else. 

    But for me, the gut reactions don’t work. 

    Just endure day to day.  

    Trying to write it out. 

    The pain. 

    Lost dreams. 

    Unfulfilled hope. 

    Small things. 

    Never had a good day in my life. 

    Moments of smiles since I was a child. 

    People promising fake beliefs,

    The disappointment turned me really mean. 

    Now I cannot believe what people say. 

    People just say shit to get you out the way. 

    Trying to write it out. 

    The pain. 

    Lost dreams. 

    Unfulfilled hope. 

    Small things. 

    Cannot spend my whole life in complaints. 

    So I just keep the train moving,

    Pretending day to day.

    Making people believe everything is O.K..

    Then I noticed ,

    People just accept what they want to believe.

    And what’s really going on will remain unseen.

    Trying to write it out. 

    The pain. 

    Lost dreams. 

    Unfulfilled hope. 

    Small things.